Sorry to disappoint, but I don't have much to say at this moment. It was a fairly decent day. Got to hang out with some friends.
I've been having good conversations with my wife lately. We usually have pretty good conversations, but they just seem a bit richer as of late. It's probably mostly because there has been a lot both of our minds lately. I think what's important is that we're talking about what's on our minds. Communication is marriage is at times extremely difficult, but even more important than it is difficult. I'd encourage any couple to work hard on good communication. It pays off huge.
Anyway, that's about it for now. Thanks for reading. Take care.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Day 108
Today was a bit of an off day, but it's probably because I decided to make bread starting at midnight, and didn't get to bed till around 3:30 (got up at around 7am). It shouldn't be a surprise that when I get so little sleep, I'm more susceptible to having sad moments, or feeling down (or just being plain grumpy). I still did pretty good in the positive self talk dept, so that's good.
Getting up to watch the royal wedding in the morning, bright and early. My wife likes the royalty stuff, and so do I, sort of. My grandma-in-law is in the city, so we're going over there at about 4am to watch it. I know a lot of people don't really agree with it, and say it's a waste of tax payers money. It's a valid argument, and I won't fight anyone who doesn't agree with the monarch. I just see it as a huge part of our history, and the fact that it's still around is kind of neat. It won't be around forever, so I'm just enjoying it while it is here.
Well, I had a few things flopping around in my head this afternoon, but forgot most of it. Hopefully it comes back for tomorrow. Thanks again for reading. Take care.
Getting up to watch the royal wedding in the morning, bright and early. My wife likes the royalty stuff, and so do I, sort of. My grandma-in-law is in the city, so we're going over there at about 4am to watch it. I know a lot of people don't really agree with it, and say it's a waste of tax payers money. It's a valid argument, and I won't fight anyone who doesn't agree with the monarch. I just see it as a huge part of our history, and the fact that it's still around is kind of neat. It won't be around forever, so I'm just enjoying it while it is here.
Well, I had a few things flopping around in my head this afternoon, but forgot most of it. Hopefully it comes back for tomorrow. Thanks again for reading. Take care.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day 107 - Encouragement is here now
I'm feeling encouraged this afternoon. I'm excited to make some positive changes.
As I mentioned in day 106, I saw my counselor yesterday and we talked more about positive self talk and re-framing thoughts. I was reading an article he gave me (Rational Thinking, Self Talk, Thought Stopping, and Reframing, from Skill Building Resources for Increasing Social Competency. <--that's all the info I have...sorry APA snobs out there) that talked about how people often look outside themselves for the source of unhappiness or any other type of emotional distress. People get the idea that the stuff happening around them is what causes them to feel the way they do.
...
Doesn't it?
Not according to what I read. If it's true, it is our interpretation of the experience that leads to our emotional response. So, the interpretation in my case, is a negative one. Negative self talk, or a negative spin on an experience.
"...what a person thinks about a situation is likely the greatest factor influencing how they feel and respond" (from the article mentioned above).
There are many reasons we could become this way (first reaction negative). Whatever the reason may be, we take the automatic route - externalizing or blaming the way we feel and our responses to an outside source that's beyond our control instead of owning up, or taking responsibility of our feelings and actions. I'm borderline plagiarizing here, just so you know...from the same article).
"When you take responsibility for your reactions you begin to take charge and have mastery over your life. Once you become aware of the distortions in your thinking you will be able to change negative thoughts to positive ones" (same article as mentioned above).
It's the positive self talk that helps with this. For me, looking into the mirror and saying what I need to say. Also, in my stressful situations, or situations that being about my negative interpretations of the event, re-framing my thoughts in a positive light. I want to share some realistic self thoughts, again from the same article.
"I am a worthy and good person"
"I am not helpless. I can and will take the steps needed to get through this crisis."
"This is an opportunity, instead of a threat. I will use this experience to learn something new, to change my direction, or to try a new approach."
"One step at a time."
"I know I will be okay no matter what happens."
"He/she is responsible for their reaction to me."
"I don't really need to prove myself in this situation."
"I can stand anything for a while."
"Is this really important enough to become upset about?" (good one for when I drive in the city)
"Other people's opinions are just their opinions."
"I cannot control the behaviours of others, I can only control my own behaviours."
"I will respond appropriately, and not be reactive." (this is a hard one...what's appropriate and what's reactive?)
"I feel better when I don't make assumptions about the thoughts or behaviours of others."
"I will enjoy myself, even when life is hard."
"My past does not control my future."
"I choose to be a happy person." (another very difficult one, especially for depressed people - when you're in the thickness of depression, a weird thing happens...it's like you don't want to try to be happy)
"There is less stress in being optimistic and choosing to be in control."
Those aren't all of them, but some of the ones that stuck out to me. Yes, it does feel hokey at first to talk out loud positive statements to myself...but as I mentioned yesterday, why isn't it hokey when we speak negatively to ourselves?
So, I'm encouraged this afternoon. When I wrote the first sentence of this post, I wrote after it, "I know this feeling won't last forever. I know when I get into the thick of things it will be difficult and frustrating." I erased it, because that's a negative thought. I want to enjoy feeling encouraged, and whatever happens later I'll deal with it later. Right now, I want to enjoy excitement about the future. So, I will. Do you want to join me?
As I mentioned in day 106, I saw my counselor yesterday and we talked more about positive self talk and re-framing thoughts. I was reading an article he gave me (Rational Thinking, Self Talk, Thought Stopping, and Reframing, from Skill Building Resources for Increasing Social Competency. <--that's all the info I have...sorry APA snobs out there) that talked about how people often look outside themselves for the source of unhappiness or any other type of emotional distress. People get the idea that the stuff happening around them is what causes them to feel the way they do.
...
Doesn't it?
Not according to what I read. If it's true, it is our interpretation of the experience that leads to our emotional response. So, the interpretation in my case, is a negative one. Negative self talk, or a negative spin on an experience.
"...what a person thinks about a situation is likely the greatest factor influencing how they feel and respond" (from the article mentioned above).
There are many reasons we could become this way (first reaction negative). Whatever the reason may be, we take the automatic route - externalizing or blaming the way we feel and our responses to an outside source that's beyond our control instead of owning up, or taking responsibility of our feelings and actions. I'm borderline plagiarizing here, just so you know...from the same article).
"When you take responsibility for your reactions you begin to take charge and have mastery over your life. Once you become aware of the distortions in your thinking you will be able to change negative thoughts to positive ones" (same article as mentioned above).
It's the positive self talk that helps with this. For me, looking into the mirror and saying what I need to say. Also, in my stressful situations, or situations that being about my negative interpretations of the event, re-framing my thoughts in a positive light. I want to share some realistic self thoughts, again from the same article.
"I am a worthy and good person"
"I am not helpless. I can and will take the steps needed to get through this crisis."
"This is an opportunity, instead of a threat. I will use this experience to learn something new, to change my direction, or to try a new approach."
"One step at a time."
"I know I will be okay no matter what happens."
"He/she is responsible for their reaction to me."
"I don't really need to prove myself in this situation."
"I can stand anything for a while."
"Is this really important enough to become upset about?" (good one for when I drive in the city)
"Other people's opinions are just their opinions."
"I cannot control the behaviours of others, I can only control my own behaviours."
"I will respond appropriately, and not be reactive." (this is a hard one...what's appropriate and what's reactive?)
"I feel better when I don't make assumptions about the thoughts or behaviours of others."
"I will enjoy myself, even when life is hard."
"My past does not control my future."
"I choose to be a happy person." (another very difficult one, especially for depressed people - when you're in the thickness of depression, a weird thing happens...it's like you don't want to try to be happy)
"There is less stress in being optimistic and choosing to be in control."
Those aren't all of them, but some of the ones that stuck out to me. Yes, it does feel hokey at first to talk out loud positive statements to myself...but as I mentioned yesterday, why isn't it hokey when we speak negatively to ourselves?
So, I'm encouraged this afternoon. When I wrote the first sentence of this post, I wrote after it, "I know this feeling won't last forever. I know when I get into the thick of things it will be difficult and frustrating." I erased it, because that's a negative thought. I want to enjoy feeling encouraged, and whatever happens later I'll deal with it later. Right now, I want to enjoy excitement about the future. So, I will. Do you want to join me?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Day 106
I want to get to bed at a decent time tonight, so here I go.
I've been drooling over camera lenses as of late. I don't know why, as it will be a long time till I'm able to afford one. They are expensive suckers.
I had another counseling session today. It was okay. We talked more about positive self talk. I told him it felt hokey talking to myself in a mirror. He said, "it doesn't feel hokey when we use negative self talk". Touche', mr. counselor. Touche'. Seriously though...I've used negative self talk for so long that anything positive told to me, or that I tell myself, feels strange, foreign. I will continue to practice positive self talk.
We also talked about eating elephants. Well, systematic desensitization, to be more accurate. Eating an elephant one bite at a time, so to speak. Basically, doing things one small step at a time, until it's finished. Completing small projects, celebrating when they are finished, and continuing on. I won't really bore you with my projects right now, but I have a few.
Well, I suppose I'll leave it at that. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.
I've been drooling over camera lenses as of late. I don't know why, as it will be a long time till I'm able to afford one. They are expensive suckers.
I had another counseling session today. It was okay. We talked more about positive self talk. I told him it felt hokey talking to myself in a mirror. He said, "it doesn't feel hokey when we use negative self talk". Touche', mr. counselor. Touche'. Seriously though...I've used negative self talk for so long that anything positive told to me, or that I tell myself, feels strange, foreign. I will continue to practice positive self talk.
We also talked about eating elephants. Well, systematic desensitization, to be more accurate. Eating an elephant one bite at a time, so to speak. Basically, doing things one small step at a time, until it's finished. Completing small projects, celebrating when they are finished, and continuing on. I won't really bore you with my projects right now, but I have a few.
Well, I suppose I'll leave it at that. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.
Day 105
Another late night, and I'm not up for writing a bunch right now. Today was a good day overall. We slept in a bit, then went for crapes at the in-laws, then stopped by a friends house to say good-bye (they are movie back to B.C., and we're very sad about it), then went out for supper with other friends of ours, which was fun.
That's really about it today. Sorry nothing too interesting. I'm hoping tomorrow (Tuesday) I'll have something more interesting to talk about. I hope everything is going well with you. Take care!
That's really about it today. Sorry nothing too interesting. I'm hoping tomorrow (Tuesday) I'll have something more interesting to talk about. I hope everything is going well with you. Take care!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Day 104
I love these guys...can't really get enough of them these days. They are great musicians, and write beautiful lyrics.
Well, it's late, and I should probably head to bed soon. I hope you're all doing well. Drop a quick note in the comments just to say hi, or say whatever, really. :) Don't be shy if you ever want to comment but don't know what to say. Take care!
Well, it's late, and I should probably head to bed soon. I hope you're all doing well. Drop a quick note in the comments just to say hi, or say whatever, really. :) Don't be shy if you ever want to comment but don't know what to say. Take care!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Day 103 - Some people...
I was sitting at a dinner table this evening after getting back from seeing family, and some of the people around the table were talking about a person they knew (who I didn't know) in a negative way. They were talking about specific traits and made some jokes about it. A couple of others joined in with their opinion, while I sat there in disbelief. I thought it was obvious, but I share these traits with the person they were talking about. It was insulting and hurtful. I felt gross, or lesser.
I immediately wondered if I've ever been guilty of doing this. I hope not. It reminded me that I need to be careful with my words. It also reminded me that I shouldn't talk about others negatively. It doesn't do anyone any favours. Avoiding that is way easier said than done.
I know that they weren't directing their comments at me, but they might have well been. I also can't expect people to be sensitive. People say mean things, while they think they're being funny. I'm pretty sure I've said some stupid things in the name of humour before. They are probably completely clueless, while I sit here with my self esteem knocked a few levels down. I'll get over it. People aren't perfect, and I need to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Now that you've read this, however, may it be a reminder to be careful with your words about others.
As for me, I'll be fine. I'm not posting this to garner pity from you. I just want to share an experience. Has this ever happened to you? Did my explanation of it even make sense?
Thanks again so much for reading. Take care.
I immediately wondered if I've ever been guilty of doing this. I hope not. It reminded me that I need to be careful with my words. It also reminded me that I shouldn't talk about others negatively. It doesn't do anyone any favours. Avoiding that is way easier said than done.
I know that they weren't directing their comments at me, but they might have well been. I also can't expect people to be sensitive. People say mean things, while they think they're being funny. I'm pretty sure I've said some stupid things in the name of humour before. They are probably completely clueless, while I sit here with my self esteem knocked a few levels down. I'll get over it. People aren't perfect, and I need to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Now that you've read this, however, may it be a reminder to be careful with your words about others.
As for me, I'll be fine. I'm not posting this to garner pity from you. I just want to share an experience. Has this ever happened to you? Did my explanation of it even make sense?
Thanks again so much for reading. Take care.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Day 102
I haven't been on facebook since the beginning of lent. I haven't missed it all that much, but for the skewed sense of community that it gave me. I'll probably use it come Sunday, but hopefully not as much. We'll see how that goes. I've really enjoyed blogging and using twitter. I sign on to msn from time to time, but almost nobody uses that anymore. Too bad. Some good memories chatting with friends on msn. I wonder what will take over facebook in the future. I think we'd be ignorant to think facebook will be around forever. Whatever it will replace fb, it will a stronger force that will keep us glued to our chairs longer, and will make us less satisfied with our lives more than facebook already does.. Do you disagree?
I had a good talk with someone close to me tonight about mental illness, and the stigma attached to it. I've tried to be honest about my struggle with depression this winter (and on and off throughout my life), but it has been at times a temptation to hide it, or to not talk about it. That being said, I am becoming a strong believer in opening up (if possible), being honest, and not being embarrassed. That's hard though, because people often think depression can be fixed by "bucking up", or sleeping more, or getting outside, etc. Those things might make it a little less painful, but they are by no means a cure for the crippling issue of depression and/or anxiety. Besides, the people who wave it off like it's a silly thing are usually those who haven't suffered from it, or are maybe a bit emotionally stunted. Not all, of course, are like that. Many people want to understand, or are at least patient. Anyway, I didn't want to get too much into it right now. I'll talk about it later most likely.
I think I figured out how to let anybody comment without having a good account. So, if you'd like to say something, please be my guest. You're comments are welcome, but please be respectful of others. :) Thanks so much for reading. Take care.
I had a good talk with someone close to me tonight about mental illness, and the stigma attached to it. I've tried to be honest about my struggle with depression this winter (and on and off throughout my life), but it has been at times a temptation to hide it, or to not talk about it. That being said, I am becoming a strong believer in opening up (if possible), being honest, and not being embarrassed. That's hard though, because people often think depression can be fixed by "bucking up", or sleeping more, or getting outside, etc. Those things might make it a little less painful, but they are by no means a cure for the crippling issue of depression and/or anxiety. Besides, the people who wave it off like it's a silly thing are usually those who haven't suffered from it, or are maybe a bit emotionally stunted. Not all, of course, are like that. Many people want to understand, or are at least patient. Anyway, I didn't want to get too much into it right now. I'll talk about it later most likely.
I think I figured out how to let anybody comment without having a good account. So, if you'd like to say something, please be my guest. You're comments are welcome, but please be respectful of others. :) Thanks so much for reading. Take care.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Day 101
I finally changed my winter tires and put on my summer tires tonight. At the beginning of winter, when I took our car in to get winter tires put on, I decided to buy separate rims, so I wouldn't have to keep on getting the tires changed over on the same rims. This way I can change the tires myself, and save almost 100 dollars each time. The rims will pay themselves off in another half year. Works out pretty good.
Sorry, but that's about all I have to share today. It won't always be interesting, I warned a while ago. Thanks anyway for reading. Take care.
Sorry, but that's about all I have to share today. It won't always be interesting, I warned a while ago. Thanks anyway for reading. Take care.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Day 100
Day 100. Unless I counted wrong, which is perfectly within the realm of my capabilities. I'll just say day 100, and leave it at that. Yay me.
This morning I found myself missing what Elam might have been. I wasn't sure if this made sense. How can I miss a baby that I haven't met? Well, I don't really know, but I do. I loved that baby already, and now I miss him (or her). I know it was only just under 3 months of expecting, but I got pretty excited about the future in those 3 months. I looked forward to October, when I would be able to touch Elam's impossibly soft skin, and kiss and hug him a million times a day.
On a different topic, I've been thinking more and more about putting my photography services out there, if even just in a small way. I guess this would be a start, ha ha. It's my own safe way of saying, if you'd like some photos done, send me a message. The cost would be pretty low, as I'm just new again to the scene. It would be all natural light stuff, and hopefully a very relaxed session. I'll even travel a bit, for some gas money and a small fee. Look at me, lamely trying to do unofficial business with people. Ha ha. Fun stuff. I'll hash out the details as I go for now. It's how I roll.
If you like strobist stuff, with unique lighting, I know a photographer who loves using artificial lighting for his photography, and I think he's also recently decided to market himself more often these days. I won't say his name now, as I haven't asked his permission, but if he wants, he can post a link, or comment and I will post a link to his website. He's a great guy, and loves what he does. I hope he knows I'm talking about him, ha ha. Should be obvious, as I don't know many photographers personally. Then again, I shouldn't assume that it's obvious.
I almost just deleted my self marketing paragraph. NO! I WILL NOT DO IT! I'm good enough to take pictures of your beautiful faces! :)
Thanks so much for stopping by. Take care.
This morning I found myself missing what Elam might have been. I wasn't sure if this made sense. How can I miss a baby that I haven't met? Well, I don't really know, but I do. I loved that baby already, and now I miss him (or her). I know it was only just under 3 months of expecting, but I got pretty excited about the future in those 3 months. I looked forward to October, when I would be able to touch Elam's impossibly soft skin, and kiss and hug him a million times a day.
On a different topic, I've been thinking more and more about putting my photography services out there, if even just in a small way. I guess this would be a start, ha ha. It's my own safe way of saying, if you'd like some photos done, send me a message. The cost would be pretty low, as I'm just new again to the scene. It would be all natural light stuff, and hopefully a very relaxed session. I'll even travel a bit, for some gas money and a small fee. Look at me, lamely trying to do unofficial business with people. Ha ha. Fun stuff. I'll hash out the details as I go for now. It's how I roll.
If you like strobist stuff, with unique lighting, I know a photographer who loves using artificial lighting for his photography, and I think he's also recently decided to market himself more often these days. I won't say his name now, as I haven't asked his permission, but if he wants, he can post a link, or comment and I will post a link to his website. He's a great guy, and loves what he does. I hope he knows I'm talking about him, ha ha. Should be obvious, as I don't know many photographers personally. Then again, I shouldn't assume that it's obvious.
I almost just deleted my self marketing paragraph. NO! I WILL NOT DO IT! I'm good enough to take pictures of your beautiful faces! :)
Thanks so much for stopping by. Take care.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Day 98
Today I went with Jenn to see the doctor. Everything seems to be pretty "normal", considering the circumstance. The doctor was very reassuring, and encouraging. She even gave Jenn a hug on the way out of the room, which was nice.
Tomorrow Jenn goes back to work. It has been a struggle for her to think about going back to normal life. I will do my absolute best to support her and encourage her, but as a friend of ours said, life just isn't normal anymore. Maybe for me that's part of the problem...I keep on expecting normal to happen, and I ignore the face that life hasn't been "normal" for me for a long long time.
That's just the thing, since my marriage, the news of a baby was the best and most normal thing that has happened in my life. Now, I can only cling to hope that another will eventually come. I can only hope that our life will have some sort of normalcy in it. I am tired of challenge after challenge. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. So what?
Tomorrow Jenn goes back to work. It has been a struggle for her to think about going back to normal life. I will do my absolute best to support her and encourage her, but as a friend of ours said, life just isn't normal anymore. Maybe for me that's part of the problem...I keep on expecting normal to happen, and I ignore the face that life hasn't been "normal" for me for a long long time.
That's just the thing, since my marriage, the news of a baby was the best and most normal thing that has happened in my life. Now, I can only cling to hope that another will eventually come. I can only hope that our life will have some sort of normalcy in it. I am tired of challenge after challenge. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. So what?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day 97
Lately (with the exception of this past week) I've been thinking a lot about self talk. This is how we talk to ourselves in our head or even out loud. I'll be honest with you, somewhere down the line I have developed terrible self talk. My first reaction is to be very hard and negative with myself. Statements like "You're an idiot, why do you always.....?", or "You should have things figured out by now, Jason", or, "You don't deserve...." are often floating around my head.
Confessing this to my counselor, he has given me homework that I'm pretty hesitant to do. I'm supposed to look at myself in the mirror, and talk to myself, acknowledging my value. Have you ever seen that SNL skit where that guy (think his name is Stuart) looks in the mirror and says, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me". Basically like that, but I hope to make it a bit less cheesy of an experience. In all seriousness, though, positive self talk is important, and I want to make it a goal of mine to be a positive self talker as a first reaction instead of a heavily negative self talker. So by practicing positive self talk, with time it should get easier, and eventually the default. I suppose we'll see how it works in time.
Anyway, how's your self talk? Do you beat yourself up over insignificant things? Do you talk yourself out of being successful at the things you do? Do you convince yourself that you're not good enough to be loved? All lies. All things I do, but all lies. How's your self talk?
Confessing this to my counselor, he has given me homework that I'm pretty hesitant to do. I'm supposed to look at myself in the mirror, and talk to myself, acknowledging my value. Have you ever seen that SNL skit where that guy (think his name is Stuart) looks in the mirror and says, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me". Basically like that, but I hope to make it a bit less cheesy of an experience. In all seriousness, though, positive self talk is important, and I want to make it a goal of mine to be a positive self talker as a first reaction instead of a heavily negative self talker. So by practicing positive self talk, with time it should get easier, and eventually the default. I suppose we'll see how it works in time.
Anyway, how's your self talk? Do you beat yourself up over insignificant things? Do you talk yourself out of being successful at the things you do? Do you convince yourself that you're not good enough to be loved? All lies. All things I do, but all lies. How's your self talk?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Day 96
Over the past several days some of our friends and family have went out of their way to take care of us. I can't begin to express my gratitude toward them. I love you all.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Day 95
It might seem silly to others, but tomorrow we're having a mini service for our little one. It'll consist of prayer and sharing some thoughts. I think we're having it by the river. I wonder if others have services for for their miscarried babies...not like it matters.
I don't need to hear that miscarriages are common. I know they are. It doesn't matter to me. Each and person/couple who experiences a miscarriage goes through pain. The commonness doesn't make it easier. Also, the fact that Jenn is young and has lots of time to try again doesn't make us feel better about what's happening now. This all being said, some people don't know what else to say, and honestly think words like these are assuring, or comforting. I don't bother getting insulted or angry. I know most people mean well.
Today we visited some friends of ours who had a beautiful baby girl on the day we found out our baby didn't make it. We are so happy for them. Their baby is absolutely amazing. It hasn't been the easiest being around all the babies that are cropping up these days, but I'm of the belief that if we don't celebrate with our friends now, bitterness might grab hold, and grow in our hearts. Besides, I can live vicariously through our friends for now, in a non creepy way. I think holding babies, smelling their baby smell, watching them sleep, and make their funny baby faces, can be healing, uplifting, soothing, comforting.
I'm really sad that ours had to go away. I'm really looking forward to meeting baby Elam one day in heaven.
I don't need to hear that miscarriages are common. I know they are. It doesn't matter to me. Each and person/couple who experiences a miscarriage goes through pain. The commonness doesn't make it easier. Also, the fact that Jenn is young and has lots of time to try again doesn't make us feel better about what's happening now. This all being said, some people don't know what else to say, and honestly think words like these are assuring, or comforting. I don't bother getting insulted or angry. I know most people mean well.
Today we visited some friends of ours who had a beautiful baby girl on the day we found out our baby didn't make it. We are so happy for them. Their baby is absolutely amazing. It hasn't been the easiest being around all the babies that are cropping up these days, but I'm of the belief that if we don't celebrate with our friends now, bitterness might grab hold, and grow in our hearts. Besides, I can live vicariously through our friends for now, in a non creepy way. I think holding babies, smelling their baby smell, watching them sleep, and make their funny baby faces, can be healing, uplifting, soothing, comforting.
I'm really sad that ours had to go away. I'm really looking forward to meeting baby Elam one day in heaven.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Day 93
Sorry for the lack of information the last couple of days. It's been a difficult week for Jenn and me, to say the least.
To make it brief, we found out on Monday that our little one didn't make it. We were/are devastated, but hold on to the hope that one day in the not so far future, we will be able to hold a and cherish and parent a beautiful baby. That being said, we will never forget the time we had growing attached to the idea of this little baby. Even though it was only 9 weeks old when it went to the other side, we loved it already, and won't forget our experience.
It's awful, what a woman has to experience in a miscarriage. Knowing that something is still in your womb, just waiting, knowing what will happen, but dreading the experience. I love my wife dearly, and wish somehow this part would be made as easy as possible. If you're a praying person, say a prayer for her tomorrow (Thursday morning), as I will be taking her to the hospital to see the doctor.
I'm so sad, my heart hurts, and I will never underestimate the pain others feel when they go through this. Yes, it is very common, but that doesn't make it easier, not by a long shot. Pregnancy consumes an expectant mother. It is constantly on a future father's mind. We fantasize about what the baby will look like, what funny things he or she will say and do, cuddling the baby, comforting the baby, loving the baby, and a million other things. There is an emotional attachment that happens instantly. The morning after we knew Jenn was expecting, she glowingly whispered to me, "I told the baby I loved it". We were in love instantly, and now, for a moment, that love and joy has been violated by death. That being said, we have to trust that we will fall in love again.
To make it brief, we found out on Monday that our little one didn't make it. We were/are devastated, but hold on to the hope that one day in the not so far future, we will be able to hold a and cherish and parent a beautiful baby. That being said, we will never forget the time we had growing attached to the idea of this little baby. Even though it was only 9 weeks old when it went to the other side, we loved it already, and won't forget our experience.
It's awful, what a woman has to experience in a miscarriage. Knowing that something is still in your womb, just waiting, knowing what will happen, but dreading the experience. I love my wife dearly, and wish somehow this part would be made as easy as possible. If you're a praying person, say a prayer for her tomorrow (Thursday morning), as I will be taking her to the hospital to see the doctor.
I'm so sad, my heart hurts, and I will never underestimate the pain others feel when they go through this. Yes, it is very common, but that doesn't make it easier, not by a long shot. Pregnancy consumes an expectant mother. It is constantly on a future father's mind. We fantasize about what the baby will look like, what funny things he or she will say and do, cuddling the baby, comforting the baby, loving the baby, and a million other things. There is an emotional attachment that happens instantly. The morning after we knew Jenn was expecting, she glowingly whispered to me, "I told the baby I loved it". We were in love instantly, and now, for a moment, that love and joy has been violated by death. That being said, we have to trust that we will fall in love again.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Day 92
Another long day, and I'm still not ready to share what has been going on. Soon enough, I promise.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Day 90
I think I've mentioned this before, but Jenn and I have recently started a cash only budget system. So far it's been a challenge, but for the most part we've been sticking to it.
I've never had control of money, in my life. It has always controlled my life. I know it won't be an easy process, but it has already felt freeing. It will also help us for when baby comes along in October. I heard those little gaffers cost some money from time to time.
Anyway, I won't go on and on about that. Tomorrow is Jenn's first one-on-one midwife appointment. I'm pretty excited about that. I hope hope hope we finally get to hear the heartbeat. That will be very cool.
That's about it for tonight. Thanks for reading. Take care.
I've never had control of money, in my life. It has always controlled my life. I know it won't be an easy process, but it has already felt freeing. It will also help us for when baby comes along in October. I heard those little gaffers cost some money from time to time.
Anyway, I won't go on and on about that. Tomorrow is Jenn's first one-on-one midwife appointment. I'm pretty excited about that. I hope hope hope we finally get to hear the heartbeat. That will be very cool.
That's about it for tonight. Thanks for reading. Take care.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Day 89
Jenn and I had a visit tonight with some friends we haven't seen in a while. It was great. Thanks you guys, if you read this.
I was wondering this afternoon why I do this blog. Much of the time it's pretty useless. I'll keep on doing it, but I think I need to put a bit more effort into it. Hopefully you can expect a bit more substance over the next while. Maybe not every single day, but in general.
I've slowly been posting pictures on my flickr account, if you'd like to check them out.
That's about it today. It's late, and I have to be up early in the morning. Till tomorrow. Take care.
I was wondering this afternoon why I do this blog. Much of the time it's pretty useless. I'll keep on doing it, but I think I need to put a bit more effort into it. Hopefully you can expect a bit more substance over the next while. Maybe not every single day, but in general.
I've slowly been posting pictures on my flickr account, if you'd like to check them out.
That's about it today. It's late, and I have to be up early in the morning. Till tomorrow. Take care.
Friday, April 08, 2011
Day 88
Today was a fairly normal day, as normal as they are for me these days.
Nothing special to report, sorry. I baked buns and bread. Woo hoo.
One of these days soon I'll write something worth while.
Take care.
Nothing special to report, sorry. I baked buns and bread. Woo hoo.
One of these days soon I'll write something worth while.
Take care.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Day 87
For some reason I'm super tired tonight. It's just after 9pm, and I think I'm heading to bed with Jenn...like a couple of seniors.
I don't have anything for you tonight. Sorry!
Take care.
I don't have anything for you tonight. Sorry!
Take care.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Day 86
The woman I love, again. I accidentally had the wrong setting on my camera, so her cheeks are a little red, but it's cute.
This photo was taken in Toronto, in the distillery district. I loved it there. You basically just had to point your camera in any direction and you'd get a good shot. That doesn't say much for my skill level. I may be exaggerating a bit. Seriously, though, it was a great place for photos.
I suppose I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading. Take care.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Day 84 - 360 Restaurant
I love this woman. We went up to the 360 rotating restaurant in the CN Tower one night for dinner. The food was pretty good, but probably too expensive for what it was. Anyway, a good experience. The sun started setting shortly after we arrived. It was a nice view.Today I went to the doctor and saw a counselor. It was a bit overwhelming to do both, but overall it was a good thing I think. I'll spare you from the details. I hope it is all the start of positive change.
That's about it for today. Thanks again for reading. Take care.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Day 83
It was a good Sunday, for the most part.
Tomorrow, back to "normal" life. We'll see how that goes.
That's about it for now.
Till tomorrow. Take care.
Tomorrow, back to "normal" life. We'll see how that goes.
That's about it for now.
Till tomorrow. Take care.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Day 82
Again, it's late and I'm not going to write much (sorry to the person who said today that I should write more...I'm being lazy again:))
I've started posting photos to my flickr account, jasonchadney. I don't know if I can't actually post a link, but it's not hard to find.
I need to get to bed. I have a bad habit of staying up too late. I also have to get up at 6:30 in the morning. Take care.
I've started posting photos to my flickr account, jasonchadney. I don't know if I can't actually post a link, but it's not hard to find.
I need to get to bed. I have a bad habit of staying up too late. I also have to get up at 6:30 in the morning. Take care.
Day 81
We're back in Saskatoon. The flight was uneventful, and smooth. It was clear outside, so I could see the towns and cities along the way, which was really neat.
I don't have much to say tonight. That, and my index finger on my right hand has a crack on the tip from dryness, so it hurts to type. I'll write more later, and post more photos from my trip.
Thanks for reading. Take care.
I don't have much to say tonight. That, and my index finger on my right hand has a crack on the tip from dryness, so it hurts to type. I'll write more later, and post more photos from my trip.
Thanks for reading. Take care.
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