Day 286

I had a great dream the other night. I dreamt that we adopted a little girl of about three years old. We haven't been talking about adopting ourselves, but we had been talking  about adoption with friends of ours who are adopting for a second time. I think that's why the adoption thing. Anyway, back to my dream.
For some reason friends had this child with them, and she was either abandoned or her patents died,  I don't know. I fell in love with her. I mean, it was one of those dreams where you sort of can feel the emotion outside your dream in real life, but you are still sleeping. However you explain it, I felt love in mt dream. I asked her if she wanted to come home with us, and she did. The emotions were intense, and I felt love for that child. I was almost disappointed to wake up, until I realized I was laying next to my beautiful wife and had a baby on the way. I think the love I felt in my dream is the love I have for them. Just a thought. God keep this one healthy please.

Day 93

Sorry for the lack of information the last couple of days. It's been a difficult week for Jenn and me, to say the least.

To make it brief, we found out on Monday that our little one didn't make it. We were/are devastated, but hold on to the hope that one day in the not so far future, we will be able to hold a and cherish and parent a beautiful baby. That being said, we will never forget the time we had growing attached to the idea of this little baby. Even though it was only 9 weeks old when it went to the other side, we loved it already, and won't forget our experience.

It's awful, what a woman has to experience in a miscarriage. Knowing that something is still in your womb, just waiting, knowing what will happen, but dreading the experience. I love my wife dearly, and wish somehow this part would be made as easy as possible. If you're a praying person, say a prayer for her tomorrow (Thursday morning), as I will be taking her to the hospital to see the doctor.

I'm so sad, my heart hurts, and I will never underestimate the pain others feel when they go through this. Yes, it is very common, but that doesn't make it easier, not by a long shot. Pregnancy consumes an expectant mother. It is constantly on a future father's mind. We fantasize about what the baby will look like, what funny things he or she will say and do, cuddling the baby, comforting the baby, loving the baby, and a million other things. There is an emotional attachment that happens instantly. The morning after we knew Jenn was expecting, she glowingly whispered to me, "I told the baby I loved it". We were in love instantly, and now, for a moment, that love and joy has been violated by death. That being said, we have to trust that we will fall in love again.

Day 90

I think I've mentioned this before, but Jenn and I have recently started a cash only budget system. So far it's been a challenge, but for the most part we've been sticking to it.

I've never had control of money, in my life. It has always controlled my life. I know it won't be an easy process, but it has already felt freeing. It will also help us for when baby comes along in October. I heard those little gaffers cost some money from time to time.

Anyway, I won't go on and on about that. Tomorrow is Jenn's first one-on-one midwife appointment. I'm pretty excited about that. I hope hope hope we finally get to hear the heartbeat. That will be very cool.

That's about it for tonight. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 64

I honestly don't know what to tell you today. I went swimming tonight with Jenn and a friend from church. It helped me feel better. Thankfully the roughest part of my day was in the afternoon so Jenn didn't have to experience the worst of it.

For the most part, I'm looking forward to our Toronto trip.

Tomorrow, we have our first dr's appointment, and will hopefully be able to hear the baby's heart beat. I really really hope it's not too early to hear it.

I think the baby starts hearing fairly soon. That will be fun.

I can't wait to meet the little one already. On one hand, I wish human gestation was the same as dogs (about 3 months). On the other hand, this world would probably be in trouble if that were the case. That's hardly enough time to think about what you've done. I suppose 9+ months is a good chunk of time to prepare mentally and materially.

Well, that's about it. Thanks for reading.