Day 220

Another increment of 10 completed! I love that feeling. I've done it 22 times so far. Yay me.

I think I've mentioned in a previous post how I look forward to autumn, for a few reasons. I don't know if I said this, but I'm also expecting more out of myself this year (I'm referring to school years,  as I'm in school still). I took this last winter semester (January - April) off, thinking it would be an exciting time. I wanted to work, Jenn and I were going to start trying for a family, and I planned on enjoying not being in school for a little while. Well, if you've been following this blog for a while, you will well know that my semester didn't turn out like I was hoping/planning. In fact, parts of it turned out the opposite. For example, we tried for a baby, and our baby died. I wanted to enjoy the semester off, and I fell into a depression, and spent a lot of time crying or feeling a pretty deep sadness. Anyway, I'm not feeling sorry for myself anymore...just recapping and explaining so I can talk about something else.

One of the things I haven't really talked about in this blog is work. Many of you may know this already, but to make a long story short, before I started looking for work for my time off of school, my depression started creeping up on me. Along with that, my self confidence and self worth plummeted. To my surprise (sort of), when I started looking for work, I would feel anxious, panicky, afraid. I started thinking that no one would hire me, or that I wasn't good enough. So, because of that, I was paralyzed in a way. Paralyzed to my apartment, or to my couch some days. Sigh. Anyway, I haven't worked for a long time. It's not something I'm proud of or wanted to happen. I've always worked or went to school. I haven't done nothing like that. I mean, these days I've been trying to keep myself busier with photography and errands and stuff, but it wasn't good enough for me. It was one of those things where something leads to another thing and then that thing gets perpetuated, etc etc. Not an excuse, really...but it happened. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that after the long road, I was finally able to find a job. It'll be part time while I'm going to school. I'm happy I have it, even though I've been experiencing a little anxiety about it. That's okay, though. That will pass, because not having a job has been a small time in my life compared to the grand scheme of things. This is the start of expecting more from myself, as I mentioned above. I'm excited that things are changing. I'm thanking God for giving me strength to get through my low season.

So, I understand if you're having mixed feelings about what I just told you. It's hard to explain why I went through what I went through. I'm sure there are all sorts of explanations. I'm not looking for them anymore, really. It's done. It was one of the biggest embarrassments in my life for these last months, and one of the things that I needed to overcome to get this stupid monkey off my back, so to speak.

Thanks for reading, and supporting me, and crying and laughing with me. Okay, I'll stop being cheesy. Take care, all. Love you!

Day 148

I went to bed early last night, yet still feel tired and off. I use the word off quite a bit. I think I use that word because I don't know how to describe the actual feeling.

My counselor mentioned how feelings aren't reliable. I know this, but it's good to be reminded, because I can become so focused on how I feel. Depression makes me feel like crap, but it doesn't mean that all hope is lost, or that everything is going wrong. It's just a feeling, and doesn't have to represent the truth. The truth is that I have great friends, an incredible wife, family that loves me and who I love, a place to call home, a reliable car, a church community that I really enjoy, and many other good things going on that I should be/am thankful for. Yet I have days that I feel off. Feelings often lie. My counselor suggested that it was my thought patterns that need to change in order for my feelings to line up. He said it will take time, and even though at first I was inspired by the idea of change, it would be an up and down experience for a while. He also said that the real work begins when the honeymoon is over, and life settles back into an everyday routine...when the inspired feeling (which is unreliable) wears off.

So, I will continue to plug away.

Don't trust a feeling. Positive thought is much better.

Day 102

I haven't been on facebook since the beginning of lent. I haven't missed it all that much, but for the skewed sense of community that it gave me. I'll probably use it come Sunday, but hopefully not as much. We'll see how that goes. I've really enjoyed blogging and using twitter. I sign on to msn from time to time, but almost nobody uses that anymore. Too bad. Some good memories chatting with friends on msn. I wonder what will take over facebook in the future. I think we'd be ignorant to think facebook will be around forever. Whatever it will replace fb, it will a stronger force that will keep us glued to our chairs longer, and will make us less satisfied with our lives more than facebook already does.. Do you disagree?

I had a good talk with someone close to me tonight about mental illness, and the stigma attached to it. I've tried to be honest about my struggle with depression this winter (and on and off throughout my life), but it has been at times a temptation to hide it, or to not talk about it. That being said, I am becoming a strong believer in opening up (if possible), being honest, and not being embarrassed. That's hard though, because people often think depression can be fixed by "bucking up", or sleeping more, or getting outside, etc. Those things might make it a little less painful, but they are by no means a cure for the crippling issue of depression and/or anxiety. Besides, the people who wave it off like it's a silly thing are usually those who haven't suffered from it, or are maybe a bit emotionally stunted. Not all, of course, are like that. Many people want to understand, or are at least patient. Anyway, I didn't want to get too much into it right now. I'll talk about it later most likely.

I think I figured out how to let anybody comment without having a good account. So, if you'd like to say something, please be my guest. You're comments are welcome, but please be respectful of others. :) Thanks so much for reading. Take care.