Day 161

Today was a strange day, but we're through it now.

I'm trying to get to bed earlier than last night, so I'm going to keep this short.

I rode my bike this evening, which was good. My wife and I went for ice cream with friends, and on the way back home, the clouds were lit up really beautifully by the setting sun. I said, "I'm going to bike to the bridge to take pictures". I did, but it darkened a bit too much by the time I got to the bridge. I did take some video of my adventure (hardly an adventure). I hope to get it up tomorrow.

I think maybe I'll leave it at that for tonight. Sorry so short and slightly uninteresting.

Thanks so much for reading. Take care.

Day 160 - Of fathers and fatherhood

Father's day has come and went.

My dad is great. I've never doubted his commitment to us kids. He has worked close to 40 years with the same company, most of those years in order to financially support the family (with the help of mom). He gave up drinking for his kids and wife. He is funny. He is committed to his wife, my mother. He has opinions and isn't afraid to share them. He values time with his family. He's a good driver. His presence has been a comfort in my life (still is). He has a lot of practical knowledge. The list goes on. I don't know what else to say, other than I love that man, and I'm glad my parents had us when they were young, so we still have loooots of good years left.

I hope I can be a good father like you are.

Take care.

Day 159

Rainy Saturday. I was supposed to do a photo shoot today just after dinner, but we ended up cancelling because of the almost gauranteed presence of rain this evening.

I got paid for my work yesterday. It felt good. I am now a paid photographer! Ha! Good stuff.

This week I will start focusing my efforts on a different kind of project, which I'm both excited and apprehensive about. I'll share more about that later.

I continue to get messages over email or fb from people who want to encourage me or share their own story about depression and/or anxiety. Thanks so much to those who have done so, and thanks to those who continue to check in to this blog and read. I know that there are lots who read that don't want to comment. That's totally fine. I don't know what to say half the time on others blogs either.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. Take care!

Day 158 Part 2 - Vlog on the Blog! (sorry so long!)

Another vlog. I really need to start uploading these things earlier. I had no intentions of going to bed when the birds started chirping. Yeesh. This video is of a few things I did during the day, then some thoughts about stuff. I hope it's somewhat bearable. Sorry about the length. It footage adds up quickly.

Thanks for reading and watching! Take care.

Day 158

I've been thinking about my weight forever. It's always something I've been a bit sensitive about. The older I get, the more I feel how my weight impacts my life. I realize it. I don't need to be told I'm fat. I don't need to be told I should do something about it. I know I do. Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about more and more over the last month or two. Maybe longer, actually.

I'm going to start by basically stopping liquid calories. I'm a sucker for liquid calories. I love juices, iced tea, beer, etc. I am not going to stop drinking beer...but I'll only drink it every so often (like usual...don't worry, no drinking problem here). So, the liquid calories are the first to go. I'm also going to get out and bike this summer. I don't like running, walking is bearable, but I don't like speed walking. Speed walking seems like one of the lamest things ever. It looks more like a booty shaking contest gone wrong.

So there. It's fairly non-committal, but I'm starting by not drinking so much damn sugar and all that. Also, some biking. I'll let you know how it goes. This isn't going to be a weight loss blog...don't worry. It'll give me more to write about, though!

Okay, I'll leave it at that for now. I might write another one today as well. We'll see. I'm trying to record some video for a vlog later, but I'm to bloody shy to do that in public places.

Thanks for reading, my friends. Take care!

Day 157

I finished up another set of photos today for friends of mine. As I said about the other family/baby shoot I did a month ago, it was a learning experience, and it was experience in general. Each shoot I do, I gain valuable knowledge, and my skill will increase because of that. I'm pretty excited about it.

Over the next couple weeks, I have another shoot with a couple, and some other projects. One of my biggest challenges is my own self esteem. I sometimes only pick out the flaws in my photos, and need others to point out the good. I think I should make that a priority...saying at least one good thing about the photos I take. Granted, some photos just don't turn out. That's a reality. But I know that isn't the case for everything I create.

I had my eyes checked today, and measured for contacts, because I'm interested in getting some. Other than my poor vision, everything seems to be good with my eyes. They have changed a bit since the last time. My right eye's strengthened but the astigmatism got worse. Basically, it's the same to look through, but a different type of prescription. I probably messed up that explanation royally. Oh well. I'm excited to try contacts. I hope they work. Also, my Macula is great, and I don't have Cataracts, so that's a bonus.

One of these days, I would really like to do another video (as I mentioned before). However, I would like some ideas to start off with, instead of just rambling. SO, if you have any ideas of what you'd like me to record, let me know. Please, no "a day in the life of". That would be sooo boring.

I think that's it for today. Thanks so much for reading. I still get people telling me that they've been reading, which is good. Take care!

Day 156

I've been watching the news for a few hours now. It's really unbelievable, how people can act when in huge groups. Anyway, that's all I'll say about that.

We've been missing our baby recently. It's been great seeing our friends with their kids, and to get to hold their kids, but it's still difficult at times. We're looking forward to the day we hold our own.

I think I'll leave it at that tonight. Take care.

Day 155

The heat has already been a challenge, to be honest. I will try not to complain very much about the weather, because I know the winters are hard in this province. I'll be longing for warmer weather soon enough.

I've had moments of being tired of doing this blog recently. It's probably when I'm not feeling very inspired, and the material is boring or starts feeling like the same old stuff. I have no plans on quitting, and I know more ideas will come in time. In the mean time, I'll ramble on about my days.

In the next couple of weeks, our summer picks up for a bit, as family is coming down this way. I'm really excited to see people.

Okay I'm just trying to fill space. Thanks for reading today. Sorry!

Take care.

Day 154

I went to the dentist again this afternoon. I'm quite excited, as my bridge is going in during my next appointment in just over a week.

I had a good time hanging out with our friends at a bbq this evening. I always enjoy seeing my friends. I had a huge steak...first one I've had in a while.

Okay, I think I'm just avoiding what I really want to talk about, so I'll just go to bed or something. I'll leave you with a question to think about. You don't have to answer if you don't want to...at least think about it. Don't get me wrong...you're more than welcome to share.

How involved does one have to be in your life in order to ask you difficult, confronting type questions about your life? Can it be anyone? Do they at least have to know you? Friends only? Family only? Long term/close friends? Does rapport play a role?

I guess that was more than a question...but you get the point.

Thanks for reading! Take care.

Day 153

I finished putting together our new bbq this afternoon. We're really pumped, as it's our first new bbq that we bought ourselves. Our last one was a second hand bbq that was maybe 90 dollars brand new. It lasted about one summer. Well, it still worked sort of, but it was in bad shape, and wasn't fun at all to grill on. Anyway, enough about the bbq.

Tomorrow I'm back at the dentists, AGAIN. I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but the last time I went, it was basically a wasted appointment, because the impression they took the time before didn't work right. They had to retake the impression, and it took them 3 tries to get it right. I guess my teeth are difficult. I could tell they were getting a bit frustrated with the impressions, and probably a bit frustrated that they were taking up my time (which wasn't a big deal). Anyway, the extra appointment didn't cost me any extra, which was nice. I actually enjoy the people there. A few months ago, I wouldn't be caught dead saying that I enjoyed going to the dentist.

Don't know what else to tell you, really. I'm hoping to vlog again this coming week...once at least, maybe twice. Maybe I'll take you on a field trip one day, while I do errands or go to a coffee shop or something. Real exciting, I know. :) I just don't want to be the guy who ALWAYS talks about depression, etc. I have really enjoyed being an advocate for mental health improvement (and will continue to do so), but I like doing other things as well. We'll see!

Thanks a bunch for stopping by and reading. Take care!

Day 152

I had a pretty busy day, visiting people till well after midnight. That was good.

We purchased a BBQ this afternoon. I've been very slowly putting it together since 7pm. It's still not finished, because I've been doing things in between assembly. I'll finished it up tomorrow, test it, and hopefully have it working for a bbq tomorrow at some point. I can't wait to bbq all summer. I'm going to try to bbq things that I haven't before. The only question I have is will our new bbq fit on our balcony. I'm sure it will, but there won't be much room left. I don't really care. Apartment balconies aren't really known for their space.

I'm really excited at the idea of doing more vlogs. Thanks to those who have encouraged me through words today (and yesterday).

It's late again, and I need to go to bed. I always get a little taken aback when I start to hear the first birds chirp in the morning at about 3 am. I haven't heard them yet, so I'll race them to bed.

Well, I'll leave it at that. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading. Take care.

Day 151 - Vlog on the Blog!

I decided to try a video blog (vlog) for the first time. I learned a couple things. 1) It takes a long time to upload, so I need to start early. 2) I don't look that great on camera.

Anyway, I hope it works. If it doesn't, I'll try again another day soon. If it works, and people seem to like it, I might try it more often. Take care!

Day 150

Day 150 probably deserves more than what I'm going to write this evening. I've been thinking about lots, but don't have the energy to write about it now. Sorry, but that's it for right now. Hopefully tomorrow I'll give it a better go. Take care, and thanks for reading.

Day 149

It was a decent day overall. I had a good visit with a friend this morning, over coffee and some photo making.

I'm looking forward to this Friday. For the first time in a while my wife and I are going on a planned date with just the two of us. We've been out on spontaneous outings, but not on a planned date for a while now. It's my turn to plan it, which I'm always a little apprehensive about, because I don't think I'm the best planner.

I'm going to bed now. It's late, and I'm tired. I hope I don't get restless brain like last night. I don't think I will.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 148

I went to bed early last night, yet still feel tired and off. I use the word off quite a bit. I think I use that word because I don't know how to describe the actual feeling.

My counselor mentioned how feelings aren't reliable. I know this, but it's good to be reminded, because I can become so focused on how I feel. Depression makes me feel like crap, but it doesn't mean that all hope is lost, or that everything is going wrong. It's just a feeling, and doesn't have to represent the truth. The truth is that I have great friends, an incredible wife, family that loves me and who I love, a place to call home, a reliable car, a church community that I really enjoy, and many other good things going on that I should be/am thankful for. Yet I have days that I feel off. Feelings often lie. My counselor suggested that it was my thought patterns that need to change in order for my feelings to line up. He said it will take time, and even though at first I was inspired by the idea of change, it would be an up and down experience for a while. He also said that the real work begins when the honeymoon is over, and life settles back into an everyday routine...when the inspired feeling (which is unreliable) wears off.

So, I will continue to plug away.

Don't trust a feeling. Positive thought is much better.

Day 147

Today I went to what I think will be my last counseling appointment for a long while. It's good to be finished that.

This afternoon I did some pictures for friends of mine. They are a young family of four. It went pretty good. I have so much to learn, and can see so many ways that I can improve. It's all a learning experience.

I'm not going to make this one long. For once in my life I'm going to try to head to bed early. Till tomorrow. Take care.

Day 146

It was somewhat of a challenging day. I basically slept or wanted to sleep through the day. Thankfully it worked out to see some friends this evening. That helped me feel a little better.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my counselor for what will probably be the last time. Although I have a lot of work to do, I think he's done what he can do.

In the afternoon tomorrow I have a shoot with friends of mine. It should be challenging, but fun. It'll be the two of them, plus their son, who is an energetic boy just over a year old, and their newborn daughter. I'm nervous, but looking forward to it.

I have some other stuff I need to do this week, but I won't bore you with the details. Actually, it's just not something that I like talking about, but need to take steps forward. Sorry for the vague blogging.

That's about it for today. Thanks for reading, again and again. Take care.

Day 145

I started two topics, and erased them both.

I think I'm hitting a bit of a wall, or something like it. I haven't been wanting to blog, despite learning lots about different things, having lots going on in my mind, struggling with certain issues, etc.

One thing I absolutely don't want this blog to become is a venting place for myself. I don't mind venting from time to time, but it gets a bit much for myself, and for those reading. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about honesty, and not pretending everything is awesome. People who talk/blog/update like everything is perfect are fooling themselves. I don't want to do that. I guess what I'm saying is that the things I would talk about lately are a bit complainy. Also, if I ignored the things I am struggling with, I might be lying to myself and to you. This paragraph doesn't make any sense.

Essentially, I'm telling you that things aren't super great, but I can't really complain, either. I am breathing, and I have some good things going for me. I can't/won't ignore the good things I have going for me.

I will tell you that this coming week I need to take some strides in my journey to improve my life. I won't get into details, but it's something I've been struggling with all winter, and it's time to make a change, regardless of how scared I am, or how little self confidence I have. If you're a praying person, pray that I will follow through. If you aren't a praying person, well...do whatever you do. No worries.

I'll finish it with that. Thanks so much for reading. I really appreciate it. Take care.

Day 144

Well, we're back from our little trip. It's good to be home as always, but I'm a bit sad that it's over.

I had a really good time hanging out with my cousins at their house, having great talks and just hanging out. Honest, quality conversation and time together.

When I got home this evening, I started feeling pretty drained and emotional. I think it started because of  "post company/visit blues". I think most of you will understand what I'm talking about.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you what I thought about the U2 concert. It had a big stage, lots of lights, nice huge high def screens, singing, and instrument playing. There, I talked about it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. My wife offered to clean the house, while I will take the car out to vacuum and clean and wash and all that. For me, this is a sweet deal. After that, we'll hopefully get our bikes working and go for a ride around the neighbourhood. I'm in desperate need of exercise. That's another topic entirely.


I think that's about it for now. After the weekend, I hope to have a productive, positive week. I fell off the positive wagon a bit tonight, and had some pretty negative thoughts about myself and all that. It didn't last long, and my wife was right there to support me and talk me through it. I love her.

Thanks so much for reading. Take care.

Day 143

Yeeeeaaaah, about what I said earlier about talking about the concert and all that. I'll do that later. I've been too busy enjoying the company of my cousins. When I get back home, I'll post some pictures (taken with our point and shoot) and talk about my experience.

I hope you're week is going well. I've really been enjoying our stay with our cousins, B and M. They are phenomenal people, whose presence I enjoy immensely.

It's also been good to see other family, if only briefly this time.

Tomorrow is the trip back home.

It's late again, so I'm heading to bed. Take care.

Day 142

Hey, I'm only getting this out now, because the interest wouldn't work last night.

I'll let you know how the concert was for today's actual post. We're going for breakfast now.

Talk to you later!

Day 141

We made it to Edmonton tonight at about 10:30. It was fun just hanging out chatting and watching silly tv shows with my cousin-in-laws. I wish I lived in the same city as them. They are really good people.

I'm pretty tired, and my brain is a bit mushy from driving (when I finish a trip, my brain is funny everytime), so I think I'll head to bed now. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes, with the concert and all that.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 140

I went to the dentist today. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. I have to go back a couple more times to finish what I thought we'd finish this morning. Woo hoo.

I really don't have much to talk about at the moment, sorry. I'm sure I'll have more to write about during our short trip. I hope I have access to the internet while we're gone, yikes!

Sorry again for the short, pretty much pointless post tonight. As I've mentioned before, I have been fairly introspective lately. I just don't really know what/how to share.

Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

Day 139

I've been quite introspective lately, which has been a fairly good experience. I need to take more time to be alone with my thoughts in a quiet place. The temptation is to drown it out with mind numbing television or by going out to somewhere with people or with noise.


Tomorrow I go back to the dentist. I'm actually looking forward to going, as I get the final stage of a big repair done. After this one, I think I'll be done for a while, as the ol' insurance only covers so much per year. I'm not going to lie, I might miss going in a way, because I knew things were getting fixed. They were super friendly and helpful there. No longer afraid of the dentist. I still don't like the feeling of some of the work, but that's not their fault. Anyway, 2 hours on the fun seat (or torture chair, depending on who you are, ;) ), and I'll be done for a while.

Tomorrow afternoon I get to spend some time with a friend who I've been enjoying getting to know and spend time with. He's a photographer who I've been learning a lot from. We're heading to the camera shop and might be going out shooting, or having a coffee, depending on the weather. I'm looking forward to either.

This week we're heading to Edmonton for a U2 concert. I'm not going to pretend like I'm excited. I've never follow U2, ever. I've never purchase (or pirated) any of their songs or albums. The tickets were gifts, and we're going because it's sort of a family thing. I don't like how U2 fans react like I killed a kitten when I say I'm not a huge fan, or that I'm not excited for the concert. I was told today "Oh you'll be a fan after the concert". I reply, "If it's a concert put on by U2, and it's their music, I can't say that I will be. Sorry!" I respect what they've done musically, and can respect a band even if I'm not a huge fan. But I'm more in it for the road trip and to see family. So leave me alone! :)

I think I'll leave it at that. Don't be upset with me, U2 fans. It's not like I hate them or anything. They have one or two okay songs. ;)


Thanks so much for reading. Take care!

ps, if you have a google account, feel free to "follow" me. Link is on the right hand side a little ways down. Later!

Day 138

I have to be up early, so I'll just keep it very short tonight.

My parents came up for the day, which was fun. We tried checking out the little park by innovation place, but a wedding party was being photographed, and guests were starting to show up. We left pretty quickly when a couple of people kept looking at us like we were ruining everything (nothing was going on, and we weren't in the way of anything). Anyway, we didn't want to cause grief for anyone, so we left.

I'm really excited about doing photos for people in the next few weeks/month or so. It will be a great learning experience for me.

Sorry, I don't have anything else. I am hoping to get inspired one of these days. I suppose that's what happens with an everyday blog. Not every one is going to be a gem, is it? I hope your day went well (or if you read this in the morning, I hope it goes well). Thanks so much for reading. Take care.

Day 137

Hey everyone. Before I type anything else, let me know if there's anything you'd like me to write about/comment on in future blogs. I realize that I haven't said my bit on fairness/unfairness from a few posts ago, but it's honestly because I'm a bit lost for words about it. Everyone who commented had me thinking and wondering what to say, because a lot had been said already. Anyway, I'm still planning on saying a couple of words, but smarter people than me already did! :) Anyway, like I said, let me know if there's anything you'd like me to talk about.

Next week we head out for a few days to check out a concert and spend some time with cousins (my wife's cousins, to be technical). It'll be great to see them.

I don't know about you, but I'm really appreciating the green landscape outside these days. I went out with a friend and my dad the other day (my dad had to come in to the city for work, and had some waiting time) on a photo excursion. Even though none of my photos jumped out at me, it was a learning experience. I think I'm going back tomorrow to the same place.

I think that's all I have for now. Hey, I didn't always promise interesting!

Take care!

Day 136

It was a bit of an "off" day for me today. It probably had quite a bit to do with the short sleeps I've had the last couple of nights.

I don't have a lot to say today. It'll probably come out complainy or whiny or something, so I'll spare you from that.

I have to wash some dishes before bed, and maybe fold some clothing. That's right, I do that.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 135

Sometimes I feel a bit silly, trying to enter very over-saturated photography market. As you probably know, it seems like everyone has a facebook page of their photography "business". I don't necessarily have a problem with facebook pages. It's where everyone is. I've just noticed how many of them there are. It's the digital dslr age, plus the increasingly affordable selection of half decent cameras.

It's probably the lack of self-confidence talking, but I don't want to be seen as just another person with a camera just out of box trying to be a "photographer". I probably shouldn't even care. It's why I've been taking things slowly, though. I'm far from pro, and have far from pro skills. I do think I have something to offer, though...beyond a great camera. I'll go from there.

Not sure why I've been feeling silly about it. Actually, I probably do. It's probably because I've had cynical thoughts about how many people have a photography page (I don't yet, but most likely eventually will).

I don't want you to misread me. Just to be clear, I think there are many talented photographers on facebook and elsewhere who I admire and look up to. It's an obvious place to advertise.

This probably didn't make much sense...or if it did, it was most likely boring for you. It's just been on my mind a lot. I love making photos. It's a dream of mine to do it as a job. I have fears about it, but I think it's time to start pursuing that dream...even if it's slowly.

In the mean time, I have other things to do and work on.

Thanks for reading. Take care, and have a good rest of your week. Talk to you tomorrow!

Day 134

Sometimes I start writing something, then erase, then start something new. Sometimes I just stare at the screen, hoping for something to come to mind. Sometimes I can't wait to share something with you. Sometimes I want to share stuff, but don't think it's the right time, or appropriate. That's when I just tell you about my day. That's a little insight into how I decide my topics. Disappointing, I know. Sorry.

I need to thank everyone who has approached me about doing photos for them. It has been an encouragement for me. I'm excited, yet nervous about the new opportunities. I'm also excited about the idea that this could go somewhere. I don't know where, but somewhere.

Speaking of photography, I'll leave you with a shot from when my dad and I spend a few hours together at The Man Show at Sask Place. If you can guess what kind of bike the photo is of, I'll give you a virtual pat on the back. Thanks for reading! Take care!

Day 133

We're back home now and tomorrow things start to go back to "normal". I love seeing friends and family, but usually I go through a post visiting low. I haven't really experienced that yet, but I think it's because my brother's family is staying in the city tonight with us. Tomorrow afternoon after they've left might be a different story. We'll see. I don't get to see them enough. Thankfully they're coming back later this summer.

I like hearing about other people's summer plans, even if it's just to stick around and tend garden or enjoy the local scene. I'm not sure if our plans will work out or not, but we're thinking of heading out to B.C. at some point, to visit some friends and for a family reunion. Do you have plans?

Yeah so it was a good weekend over all. I get a bit sick just thinking about those youth getting plastered and putting their lives in danger. It seems like every year we're hearing about a death or two after the May long weekend. Senseless, really. Hopefully nobody got hurt this weekend.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks so much for reading again. I have really appreciated people telling me that they read everyday, or stop by once and a while to see what's up, or whatever. It encourages me to know people enjoy what I do here for the most part. I know it's not always the most interesting read, but it's really something I enjoy, and would like to spend more time on. Too bad it can't be a part time job! :)

Ok, I'm out. Take care, everyone.

Day 132 - Friends and family

 Above: My auntie's parter's youngest daughter. Below: My sister-in-law. No names will be given.

 Above: My auntie's parter's oldest daughter. Below: My super cute niece.

 Above: My auntie's partner. Below: My dad.

 Above: One of my nephews (My sister's youngest son). Below: My beautiful wife.

 Above: My brother. Below: One of my first cousins, who is a little camera shy.

 Above: One of my aunties. Below, my cool sister.

Above: My mom!

For those of you who read this and were there today, forgive me if your photo isn't on here. I didn't have time to get to them all...it's already late, and I'm running out of steam.

Most of this photo shoot was done with me sitting on the same chair, having people sit on a stool in front of me. I kept saying I was too lazy to move around (as a joke). Someone suggested that my business name should be The Lazy Photographer. It has an interesting ring to it, but I wonder if anyone would bother calling if they saw that name in the phone book. Maybe out of curiosity they might call. :) Needless to say, that probably won't be my business name.

I didn't really worry about the back ground of the photos. They aren't super unique in regards to poses. I just felt like taking head shots of people. It was pretty fun. Some turned out better than others, but that would have been my fault, not the subject's.

It has been a good weekend so far. Today my dad took my sister, brother and me out to a small town for my great uncle's memorial. It was a light hearted celebration of my uncle's life. One that very much brought honour to him. It was good. One amazing fact: when he was 8 years old, he watched over the family's heard of cattle to make sure they didn't wander off while grazing, and lead them back home at night. All day he would do that, when he was 8 years old. Think about any 8 year olds you know, and put them in that scenario. Yeesh. It's a much different world in Canada now.

PS, in the picture of my mom, if you're a photographer type, could you tell me why her left eye (our right side) looks much greener, even around the eye as well? I thought maybe her photogray lenses were messing around with my camera, but I'm not sure. I can't think of what else it could be.

I hope your long weekend was great. If you're photo is on in this post, and you decide you don't want your face on here, let me know! Thanks so much for checking me out! Take care!

Day 131

Nothing much to report today. In the morning (Sunday morning) my dad and my siblings are driving to a memorial for my dad's great uncle.

I think that's it, sorry. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes, and hopefully have some photos to go along with it. I hope your long weekend is going well. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

Day 130

If you're interested in listening to passionately performed spoken word song, click the link below. Dan Smith from Listener is a great poet and delivers with a lot of heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SXe4UXYrkI&feature=related

Today was a good day. We're visiting family for the weekend, which is fun. I'm hoping we get out for a photo walk at some point, and I'll post some photos from the weekend.

That's all I have tonight, sorry. I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 129

I was thinking tonight about day 365 and what's going to happen between now and then. It seems like a long way off. I know it'll be here and gone soon, and I'll wonder what happened to the year.

I don't have much for today. I do, however, want to thank you again for reading this. At times I really don't know if it's worth it, but then someone I see mentions that they read and like it, or they like my writing, or whatever. I wasn't sure why I committed to a year at first, and I had no idea what it was going to become. I still don't, really. I keep on telling myself that I want it to be a safe place, a community where people can come and read and comment and share whatever without being afraid of feeling or sounding dumb. I don't know if it becoming that, but we'll see what happens in time.

I know that there are a few big things I'd like to happen by day 365, but I know making life plans is laughable down the road. Sure, they make work out for some, but often things fall off the rail (at least the rail you pictured) and life takes a different path entirely. Yeah it's stressful, but it can be totally exciting as well.

Okay, have a great great night (or day when you read it).

Also, have a good May long weekend. Please stay safe. Don't drink and drive.

I'm excited because I get to see some family this weekend, and hopefully make some good photographs.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 128

I'm not going to talk about yesterday's post at the moment. I know it seems funny to ask a question, expect others to share on it, then not weigh in myself. To tell you the truth, I am still mulling over what was said. I think the variety and depth of the answers that were given exceeded my expectations (although, I'm not so sure I had expectations). Thank you so much to those who shared, and also to those who are reading and thinking about what is being said. I don't know why, but I was somehow surprised that the conversation turned as spiritual as it did. I shouldn't be, though, considering that a huge percentage of my community, past and present, has a strong spiritual/theological background. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't disappointed...just for some reason surprised. I love hearing other people's thoughts, regardless of the background informing them.

Okay, so I want to take the time to plug something that my church is backing this summer, called Run143. It's a "run" (or walk, bike, etc.) that was started last summer with the purpose of spreading awareness and raising money for adoption and adoption issues. Each year, a family is picked to support. Every person involved in the run raises support, and the money goes toward financially supporting the chosen couple in their adoption process. Well, some of the money goes toward supporting a baby home in South Africa as well, I'm pretty sure. Please someone correct me if I'm wrong. I think it's the same baby home that my friends (also my pastor and his lovely wife) adopted their child from this past year. Sorry I'm short on the details.

The run I believe lasts over three days, and stretches from North Battleford and Saskatoon. Roughly 143 kms for the roughly 143 million orphans globally. The link to the website is below. More information will be on that. It's a very worthy cause. If you're interested in running or supporting, check out the website.

www.run143.com

On a different note, I'm waiting on a call for a potential job. It would be great for me, and would probably give me tons of connections in my journey to become a better (and paid) photographer. I think it would also be a great job to have when I return to school in the fall part time in the evenings. So, if you're a praying person, pray that the phone call comes my way.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. If you haven't checked out the conversation going on in the Day 127 comments, do it. If nothing else, it'll get you thinking, whether you agree with it all or not.

Thanks for much for reading. Take care.

Day 127 - Question for you all

I had quite a long post written up about fairness and unfairness, but it was a bit too unpolished, and I didn't want to offend anyone about the issue. I'll post it soon, with the disclaimer that it is unfinished thoughts...a working idea, so to speak. I'll leave you with a question, though, as I'm curious as to what you think of the idea.


Do you think the idea of fairness should be a part of our vocabulary? That is, is it helpful to view our experiences (or lives) as "unfair"?

If you choose to answer, just be respectful of others and their views. I'll moderate with that in mind! :)

Thanks in advance for your input.

Day 126 - New mom and dad

A dad's strong embrace

Mom enjoying her baby's yawn.

Here are a couple more photos from the baby shoot I did a little while ago. I really enjoyed it, but as I mentioned in a previous post, after I was finished and driving away, I thought of many other ideas I could have tried. Next time.

I'm going to put myself out there again, just in case someone needs an affordable alternative to a professional photographer. I don't want to make it awkward for my readers by doing this. I will eventually start a website when I get enough of a portfolio together, and I figure out what kind of website I need. That way I won't have to push my product on you when all you're wanting to do is read about what's going on, or any thoughts I have, etc. Honestly, it's not what I want to use this blog for. It's basically the only means I have at the moment. Bear with me!

I think I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 125

Our friends had their baby last night. It was a girl. My wife and I went and held her for a bit this afternoon, which was great. She was beautiful, as are all babies. Truly babies seem like one of God's greatest blessings...at least when they are laying their peacefully sleeping and making super cute funny faces.

That's it for today. I know, another short post. Sorry about that.

I have thoughts about my blog I've been thinking about today, but I'll share that later...maybe Monday or Tuesday.

Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

Day 124

Another day down. It was a pretty full day, and overall a good day.

This morning we slowly got ready and made our way to a "garage" sale put on by the Crisis Nursery here in the city. People donated tons of stuff, and all the money made went toward the Nursery. While we were outside having a snack, a couple showed up and had two wooden rocking chairs. We picked them up right away, and gave one of them away to friends of ours. I've always wanted a wooden rocking chair. It's really nice, and it'll be great for when we have a baby.

My dad surprised me and came into the city today. We went to the Man Show. It wasn't what either of us expected. It was basically campers, hot tubs, and vehicles. No tools or electronics or anything. Well, now we know for next time that it's not worth it. I should say, it was worth it for me, because I got to hang out with my dad, which I don't get to do often enough.

After that my wife and I went to a 1st year birthday party for our friends boy, O. It was good to see people, and to watch him open presents. He was pretty involved and seemed to have a good time. Man was the sun hot today. We were there for about 2 hours, and by the end, I was starting to feel a bit off, so we went home and I fell asleep like an old man for about an hour. It felt good, though.

Tonight we went and played Monopoly with friends of ours. It was a really good time, and I learned how competitive my wife really is. Even on the drive home, she was talking about what could have been different for her to win! I love her so much. Marriage is full of pleasant surprises.

It's probably boring, just reading a recap of my day, but there you have it.

I should get going, since I have to be up early. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 123

I'm drawing a blank about today.

Nothing exciting happened, really.

I'm really looking forward to next weekend, when I get to see my family. That will be fun.

Yeah, sorry...I got nothing today. I'll do my best to make day 124 (Saturday) better.

I hope you're all doing well. Take care.

Day 122

I thought I'd get today finished early, which is a strange feeling. It's like I'm blogging twice in one day (technically I am, but the one I wrote late last night was for yesterday).

Anyway, today is sort of a milestone post. I'm 1/3 of the way through my year. Okay, maybe that's not much of a milestone.

The photo below is from our trip to Vegas this past February. We made a stop at my brother and sister-in-law's house to see them and their kids (and my parents were there as well). It was a short, but good time. It was there we found out that Jenn was expecting. Happy days, although Jenn was fairly ill for our Vegas trip (which is why we really didn't enjoy ourselves while we were there). The picture is of my brother and his oldest son. I was playing a game of battleship, when Juston came to see how his boy was doing.

Day 121

I've been thinking lately about how it's important to celebrate with others when exciting opportunities come their way, or when their life is going really well, or when great news comes, etc.

For some of us, the biggest challenge is when the very things we're celebrating with others about are the things we've dreamed of, wanted, hoped for. Whether it's love, a new pair of shoes, a career opportunity, a position of responsibility that we've desired, a first house, or a baby, when others get to experience that, it might be difficult for many of us to celebrate with them.

But it's so important. To celebrate with them, that is. It's important to be a positive part of that experience, rather than sucking the life and joy out of what should be a really exciting time. That's what I'm striving to do. I'm trying to celebrate with others, regardless of my life situation. I will rejoice with others when they get to experience something that I've desired.

Consider this - it's still going to happen whether you're jealous or happy. Think about what the better choice is. Is jealousy a good feeling? No, it's terrible. Nothing good comes from jealousy, except bitterness and rifts. Is celebrating and being happy a good feeling? Of course. I know you're not dumb. It was more of a rhetorical question, sorry. :)

I'm not saying it's easy. I am saying it's the better of the two choices.

Something to think about, anyway. I hope you can get something out of this. I know that some of you reading this are going through some really hard times. It's easier said than done to choose happiness and celebration with others over sadness, jealousy, bitterness, anger. I can never experience your pain or suffering. That's your own. I don't know what else to say about that, other than it must be difficult. Really difficult.

I'll be praying for you. I don't know everyone's story, but I will be praying that the story takes a turn for the better. More importantly, I'll be praying that somehow the story leads to peace, even in the hard times.

Thanks for stopping by and reading. Take care.

Day 120

I helped a friend make a picture this morning, which was a good time. Basically I was his assistant, which I enjoyed, because I watched and learned. It's good to get tips/pointers from someone more knowledgeable and experienced.


Nothing else significant to share tonight. You can visit my flickr account by clicking on any of the pictures to the right.

I have been thinking of putting a watermark on my pictures, so protect them from would be picture thieves. :) Really interesting, I know.

I'm gong to leave it at that. Sorry so boring tonight. As I've said before, I never promised interesting! :)

I hope everyone is doing okay. Life gets a bit unruly at times, but remember that you can handle anything for a while. If your life seems to be going well, great! Don't take it for granted! Celebrate. That's my advice for the day. :) I'll stop now.

Thanks again for reading. It means a lot that you stop here and take time out of your day to read my ramblings.

Take care.

Day 119

I did a baby photo shoot the other day. It was my first one, and it wasn't perfect by any means. The baby was adorable, and the parents looked great. It was my lack of experience if anything that gave me a challenge. That being said, I'm not upset about it at all, really. That's what it's all about - gaining experience, keeping the good stuff, dumping the bad. It was only a couple of minutes after the photo session while I was driving home when I thought of about 3 more poses that would have been great. When I get focused and nervous, I speed through, and start feeling like I'm imposing. Weird, I know. Oh well. It was a free session, and next time I'll have a few more ideas, and will try to slow down and get the better shot, instead of powering through and and missing some potentially good shots.

I'll leave you with my first edited photo of the baby. It's not pro grade, but hey, I'm not a pro. :)

I'm am a photographer, I am a photographer, I am a photographer. (A little positive self talk)

Day 118

It was a pretty good day today. Church, lunch with family, nap, supper with family, and now I'm baking bread into the night, just chatting with more family online. One of those overall good days. I like it.

The start of another week tomorrow. There's a bit of uncertainty over the next little while, and I will fill you in on that later. In the mean time, I'm making progress for the positive. My wife has been an incredible encouragement (and sometimes pushes just enough for me to take bigger steps...ones she knows I can handle). I love her, and appreciate her so much.

That's about it for today. I should go tend to the dough.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 117 - My mother

Diana is my mother.

D - Dedicated mother
I - Incredibly loving of those dear to her
A - Always willing to talk
N - Near to my heart
A - Accepting of my life path

It has been a long time since I've done one of those. Takes me back to grade school.

Mothers have the hardest job on earth, in my opinion...starting from the conception of their first child. The worry, guilt, discomfort and pain that an expectant mother experiences is something I will never fully understand.

After the baby is born, they have to give up their bodies to the baby. Waking up hour after hour, feeding, changing, rocking, feeding, changing, rocking. It's endless.

From toddlerhood to the awkward 8 year old stage, kids are constantly sick. Most mothers are charged with the task of cleaning up puke, making sure a sleep walking child makes it back to their bed, bringing cool facecloths to a feverish little one, and a slew full of other dirty, stomach taxing things.  Not to mention dealing with the constant tantrums, arguing, disrespectful behaviour, etc. These things would test my patience in a minute.

The teenage years can be terrible to mothers. Making fun of them,  giving constant attitude, experimenting with different lifestyles, staying out late without calling, dating, anger, always doing the opposite, etc.

It goes on. Mothers aren't treated that well, if you think about it. Mothers have the hardest job in the world.

And then there's mothers day.

Don't get me wrong. I think mothers day is a great thing. It's a good day for appreciating mothers, calling mothers to tell them you love and appreciate them. I can imagine mothers loved being called on mothers day, being told nice things from their children, and maybe getting a card from time to time. I'm terrible at giving cards to people.

The thing I don't like about mothers day, is that it gives children an out. It's like they can dump their guilt about not appreciating their mother enough on that one day of the year. "If I call my mom on mothers day, send her a card, buy her a gift, it will make up for this past year of living my life in ignorance of how bloody hard she worked to raise me, love me (despite me being a jerk), keep my family together during the hard years, and a ton of other ulcer inducing tasks."

It just simply doesn't cut it, in my books. You need to call that woman on a regular basis throughout the year and tell her you love her. If I had to guess, that's what a mother wants...love from her children. A mother wants peace for her children. A mother wants happiness for her children. A mother wants to see her children and hear from her children from time to time. A mother wants love from her children.

I don't want to put more pressure on my mother, or on any other mother, to be something they aren't. I know that nobody is perfect. It's not fair to say that mothers are perfect, or that they do everything right, make all the right choices, etc. Nobody can be that person, and that's totally okay. All I'm saying is that my mother, and I'm sure yours too (I hope, although I also know that not everyone's experience of their mother is great), is one of the most caring, hard working, loving, special women I know.

I love you mom. I look up to you, respect you, cherish you, and appreciate you, everyday of the year. Not just mothers day. I know that mothers day this year will be difficult for you, as your mom is now gone, but if it's any consolation, you have us, your family. You are as special to me as your mother was to you. I will never take for granted your time here with us. I hope and pray for many many many more happy years to come.

I love you, mom.

Day 116

Jenn and I have been reading small excerpts from a book called Lament for a Son, by Nicholas Wolterstorff. It's basically words a man writes for and about his son, who died at the age of 25 in a mountain climbing accident. Even though Wolterstorff wrote the book for his son, he explains how its meaning and reach have gone beyond the loss of a son, to giving a voice to many kinds of loss.

There was one sentence that stuck out to me as I was reading tonight.

"I lament all that might have been, and now will never be."

That's how I feel at the moment.

Day 115

This morning I went on a photowalk with a friend who knows quite a bit more than me about photography, and especially artificial lighting. It was a good time, although I felt shy about taking pictures for some reason. I guess my self confidence isn't where I'd like it to be quite yet.

Had a decent afternoon. Jenn worked on an assignment (from her course in Toronto a while back), while I cleaned up. We went for a walk, then came back and had supper.

I had a moment of sadness this evening. There have been quite a few babies born in the last few months and weeks in our friends circles. We've enjoyed holding the babies. Tonight for some reason I found myself holding a teddy bear my mom-in-law gave us for our baby who was to be born in October. It is about the same size as a small new born. I sat there holding it, wishing it was a real baby. I though to myself that it doesn't matter how many babies I hold, it won't fill the hole in my heart, so to speak. I have to give the babies back, of course, and go home.

Day 114

Sorry, but nothing significant again tonight. Last night was so long and today so different that I'm left with nothing really significant to say at the moment. I guess the last 30 hours have thrown me off a bit. I hope to get back to normal tomorrow. Please bear with me!

I hope you're all doing great. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 113

Well, sorry this is so late. Some stuff happened and I havent been at home all night. I'm still not home, and it's 2:20 am. I might fill you in later, but I'm pretty tired now, and it's a bit annoying typing on this iPod touch. I just figured out the patient/visiter internet, so I'm thankful to get something typed.

Thanks for stopping by and reading. I've been richly encouraged by many of you recently, and it gives me some confidence. Thanks for that.

Take care!

Day 112 Part 2

Something happened the other day to me that I've been thinking a lot about.

I was in our car with my wife, stopped at a red light, when someone got out of their car and yelled at me for "almost hitting him", telling me to "watch where I was going", etc, etc. He walked away swearing, and that was it. Well, that was it from him. He's been stuck in my head since.

I'm 32, and I thought I was finished with bullying. The truth is, adult bullying happens all the time. It happens because I believe many many people never grow up in certain areas in their brain.

I was bullied in junior high school (grades seven to nine, maybe even some in grade 10, but it started slowing down at that time). I was new to town at the start of grade seven, and was excited to start new. The guys who bullied me started from my first day of grade seven and played a part in my misery till into grade 9. Thankfully I moved away for grade eleven, where I had much more success with friends and in my studies.

The guys who bullied me took something away from me. They took much of my happiness while in those years. They took away much of my self confidence. No, you don't just get over that. I still struggle with self confidence issues. I'm working on it now, finally.

When I experienced being bullied on the street, while sitting in the car with my wife, it shook me. I felt anger, confusion, and even hatred. It wasn't my best moment. It brought back feelings of powerlessness that I experienced in junior high.

Being bullied changes a person. I'm sure we all have been bullies from time to time, and have been bullied. Partaking in/experiencing either are hopefully memories we would love to forget.

I often wonder what I would do if I found out my child was a bully. I would probably weep. Just being honest.

I don't exactly know what I'm trying to say here. I think I'm trying to caution against bullying, whether it's adult or youth. Whether it's making others feel bad for their decisions, physical intimidation, mental intimidation, making others feel lower, or even thinking in your mind that you're higher than anyone (which can often bubble out in the form of certain behaviours toward the "other"...just a few forms of bullying among many many more, in my opinion.

Power is taken away, so fighting back is often difficult (or dangerous). People say to "brush it off", but it sticks like tar. Don't react, and they will stop. This is a joke. They will usually just try harder to get a reaction.

I'm changed because of bullying. Changed enough that the remnants of hurt still echo in my life today.

I go back to my day 107 post, and convince myself of those statements. I'm not responsible for others actions. I can (and did) handle anything for a while. This too shall pass (it did) and my life will get better (I wasn't bullied in grades 11-12). Etc etc. I'm in change of my own happiness. My self confidence will take some time.

Take from this what you will. A good laugh, or something to talk to your kid about, or for yourself.

Thanks for reading, again. Take care.

Day 112 Part 1

I am having trouble staying positive this morning, for whatever reason. All it takes some days is for one thing to happen (or not happen) and suddenly everything is pissing me off. I will tell myself that I'm not responsible for others actions/lack of action. Yes. That's what I'll tell myself.

Another dentist appointment this morning  (in about half an hour). Good times. I'm sort of getting tired of going, but I need it. My regular dentist isn't going to be there today, which kind of sucks, because I was just starting to trust him. Maybe I'll go for the laughing gas again today. Go to my happy place.

Election day. Need I say more? People just get sort of silly about it. One of the things I'm having trouble staying positive about. People are allowed to have an opinion. I just don't like it when that opinion isn't based on reality. Oh well, I'm done for now. Sorry about that.

I should get going. I'll probably post later today as well. Thanks very much for stopping by. Take care.

Day 111

I try not to get too political on this blog, and I hope to continue that trend for the most part. I feel the need to share a sentence or two about this new Bin Laden thing in the news, even if just to make myself feel better about it.

I'm a little disturbed by the whole thing. I'm disturbed how one man's death, almost a decade of warring, and many many innocent families killed makes people feel better about 9-11. It shouldn't. It's the completely wrong idea of justice. It's not justice. I don't think we have any idea what justice is.

That's just my opinion, mind you. Take it or leave it.

Well, I just ruined the fun, didn't I? Sorry. You're allowed to disagree with me if you want.

I guess I'll just leave it at that. Anything else would just seem awkward. I'll get back at you tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

Day 110

Over the past few weeks, since we found out about the death of our baby, I've started to see how deep the connection can be between the baby and mother. I have been sad, and continue to have waves of sadness, or grief, but my wife grieves on a different level, I think.

This morning Jenn shared with me a dream that she had last night (and said it was okay if I shared with you). She was at the doctor, and he/she told Jenn that they had been wrong, that the baby was indeed alive. Jenn was so so happy. It was one of those dreams that you wake up from thinking it's reality. She told me she woke up from the dream, and saw the curtains in our room, and realized that it wasn't true. Our baby is dead. I haven't really used that word. Dead. I've been using "didn't make it". Dead sounds too final for me. Anyway, it was ultimately a sad dream, because when her eyes opened her reality was an empty womb. Damn it.

Here's a band I was introduced to tonight.This particular song, Wooden Heart, spoke to me, and the more I listen, it speaks to me more. I might not be everyone's taste, but I love it. It's really about the lyrics. He delivers powerfully.

Let's wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief.

Day 109

Sorry to disappoint, but I don't have much to say at this moment. It was a fairly decent day. Got to hang out with some friends.

I've been having good conversations with my wife lately. We usually have pretty good conversations, but they just seem a bit richer as of late. It's probably mostly because there has been a lot both of our minds lately. I think what's important is that we're talking about what's on our minds. Communication is marriage is at times extremely difficult, but even more important than it is difficult. I'd encourage any couple to work hard on good communication. It pays off huge.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 108

Today was a bit of an off day, but it's probably because I decided to make bread starting at midnight, and didn't get to bed till around 3:30 (got up at around 7am). It shouldn't be a surprise that when I get so little sleep, I'm more susceptible to having sad moments, or feeling down (or just being plain grumpy). I still did pretty good in the positive self talk dept, so that's good.

Getting up to watch the royal wedding in the morning, bright and early. My wife likes the royalty stuff, and so do I, sort of. My grandma-in-law is in the city, so we're going over there at about 4am to watch it. I know a lot of people don't really agree with it, and say it's a waste of tax payers money. It's a valid argument, and I won't fight anyone who doesn't agree with the monarch. I just see it as a huge part of our history, and the fact that it's still around is kind of neat. It won't be around forever, so I'm just enjoying it while it is here.

Well, I had a few things flopping around in my head this afternoon, but forgot most of it. Hopefully it comes back for tomorrow. Thanks again for reading. Take care.

Day 107 - Encouragement is here now

I'm feeling encouraged this afternoon. I'm excited to make some positive changes.

As I mentioned in day 106, I saw my counselor yesterday and we talked more about positive self talk and re-framing thoughts. I was reading an article he gave me (Rational Thinking, Self Talk, Thought Stopping, and Reframing, from Skill Building Resources for Increasing Social Competency. <--that's all the info I have...sorry APA snobs out there) that talked about how people often look outside themselves for the source of unhappiness or any other type of emotional distress. People get the idea that the stuff happening around them is what causes them to feel the way they do.

...

Doesn't it?

Not according to what I read. If it's true, it is our interpretation of the experience that leads to our emotional response. So, the interpretation in my case, is a negative one. Negative self talk, or a negative spin on an experience.

"...what a person thinks about a situation is likely the greatest factor influencing how they feel and respond" (from the article mentioned above).

There are many reasons we could become this way (first reaction negative). Whatever the reason may be, we take the automatic route - externalizing or blaming the way we feel and our responses to an outside source that's beyond our control instead of owning up, or taking responsibility of our feelings and actions. I'm borderline plagiarizing here, just so you know...from the same article).

"When you take responsibility for your reactions you begin to take charge and have mastery over your life. Once you become aware of the distortions in your thinking you will be able to change negative thoughts to positive ones" (same article as mentioned above).

It's the positive self talk that helps with this. For me, looking into the mirror and saying what I need to say. Also, in my stressful situations, or situations that being about my negative interpretations of the event, re-framing my thoughts in a positive light. I want to share some realistic self thoughts, again from the same article.

"I am a worthy and good person"

"I am not helpless. I can and will take the steps needed to get through this crisis."

"This is an opportunity, instead of a threat. I will use this experience to learn something new, to change my direction, or to try a new approach."

"One step at a time."

"I know I will be okay no matter what happens."

"He/she is responsible for their reaction to me."

"I don't really need to prove myself in this situation."

"I can stand anything for a while."

"Is this really important enough to become upset about?" (good one for when I drive in the city)

"Other people's opinions are just their opinions."

"I cannot control the behaviours of others, I can only control my own behaviours."

"I will respond appropriately, and not be reactive." (this is a hard one...what's appropriate and what's reactive?)

"I feel better when I don't make assumptions about the thoughts or behaviours of others."

"I will enjoy myself, even when life is hard."

"My past does not control my future."

"I choose to be a happy person." (another very difficult one, especially for depressed people - when you're in the thickness of depression, a weird thing happens...it's like you don't want to try to be happy)

"There is less stress in being optimistic and choosing to be in control."

Those aren't all of them, but some of the ones that stuck out to me. Yes, it does feel hokey at first to talk out loud positive statements to myself...but as I mentioned yesterday, why isn't it hokey when we speak negatively to ourselves?


So, I'm encouraged this afternoon. When I wrote the first sentence of this post, I wrote after it, "I know this feeling won't last forever. I know when I get into the thick of things it will be difficult and frustrating." I erased it, because that's a negative thought. I want to enjoy feeling encouraged, and whatever happens later I'll deal with it later. Right now, I want to enjoy excitement about the future. So, I will. Do you want to join me?

Day 106

I want to get to bed at a decent time tonight, so here I go.

I've been drooling over camera lenses as of late. I don't know why, as it will be a long time till I'm able to afford one. They are expensive suckers.

I had another counseling session today. It was okay. We talked more about positive self talk. I told him it felt hokey talking to myself in a mirror. He said, "it doesn't feel hokey when we use negative self talk". Touche', mr. counselor. Touche'. Seriously though...I've used negative self talk for so long that anything positive told to me, or that I tell myself, feels strange, foreign. I will continue to practice positive self talk.

We also talked about eating elephants. Well, systematic desensitization, to be more accurate. Eating an elephant one bite at a time, so to speak. Basically, doing things one small step at a time, until it's finished. Completing small projects, celebrating when they are finished, and continuing on. I won't really bore you with my projects right now, but I have a few.

Well, I suppose I'll leave it at that. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

Day 105

Another late night, and I'm not up for writing a bunch right now. Today was a good day overall. We slept in a bit, then went for crapes at the in-laws, then stopped by a friends house to say good-bye (they are movie back to B.C., and we're very sad about it), then went out for supper with other friends of ours, which was fun.

That's really about it today. Sorry nothing too interesting. I'm hoping tomorrow (Tuesday) I'll have something more interesting to talk about. I hope everything is going well with you. Take care!

Day 104

I love these guys...can't really get enough of them these days. They are great musicians, and write beautiful lyrics.

Well, it's late, and I should probably head to bed soon. I hope you're all doing well. Drop a quick note in the comments just to say hi, or say whatever, really. :) Don't be shy if you ever want to comment but don't know what to say. Take care!

Day 103 - Some people...

I was sitting at a dinner table this evening after getting back from seeing family, and some of the people around the table were talking about a person they knew (who I didn't know) in a negative way. They were talking about specific traits and made some jokes about it. A couple of others joined in with their opinion, while I sat there in disbelief. I thought it was obvious, but I share these traits with the person they were talking about. It was insulting and hurtful. I felt gross, or lesser.

I immediately wondered if I've ever been guilty of doing this. I hope not. It reminded me that I need to be careful with my words. It also reminded me that I shouldn't talk about others negatively. It doesn't do anyone any favours. Avoiding that is way easier said than done.

I know that they weren't directing their comments at me, but they might have well been. I also can't expect people to be sensitive. People say mean things, while they think they're being funny. I'm pretty sure I've said some stupid things in the name of humour before. They are probably completely clueless, while I sit here with my self esteem knocked a few levels down. I'll get over it. People aren't perfect, and I need to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Now that you've read this, however, may it be a reminder to be careful with your words about others.

As for me, I'll be fine. I'm not posting this to garner pity from you. I just want to share an experience. Has this ever happened to you? Did my explanation of it even make sense?

Thanks again so much for reading. Take care.

Day 102

I haven't been on facebook since the beginning of lent. I haven't missed it all that much, but for the skewed sense of community that it gave me. I'll probably use it come Sunday, but hopefully not as much. We'll see how that goes. I've really enjoyed blogging and using twitter. I sign on to msn from time to time, but almost nobody uses that anymore. Too bad. Some good memories chatting with friends on msn. I wonder what will take over facebook in the future. I think we'd be ignorant to think facebook will be around forever. Whatever it will replace fb, it will a stronger force that will keep us glued to our chairs longer, and will make us less satisfied with our lives more than facebook already does.. Do you disagree?

I had a good talk with someone close to me tonight about mental illness, and the stigma attached to it. I've tried to be honest about my struggle with depression this winter (and on and off throughout my life), but it has been at times a temptation to hide it, or to not talk about it. That being said, I am becoming a strong believer in opening up (if possible), being honest, and not being embarrassed. That's hard though, because people often think depression can be fixed by "bucking up", or sleeping more, or getting outside, etc. Those things might make it a little less painful, but they are by no means a cure for the crippling issue of depression and/or anxiety. Besides, the people who wave it off like it's a silly thing are usually those who haven't suffered from it, or are maybe a bit emotionally stunted. Not all, of course, are like that. Many people want to understand, or are at least patient. Anyway, I didn't want to get too much into it right now. I'll talk about it later most likely.

I think I figured out how to let anybody comment without having a good account. So, if you'd like to say something, please be my guest. You're comments are welcome, but please be respectful of others. :) Thanks so much for reading. Take care.

Day 101

I finally changed my winter tires and put on my summer tires tonight. At the beginning of winter, when I took our car in to get winter tires put on, I decided to buy separate rims, so I wouldn't have to keep on getting the tires changed over on the same rims. This way I can change the tires myself, and save almost 100 dollars each time. The rims will pay themselves off in another half year. Works out pretty good.

Sorry, but that's about all I have to share today. It won't always be interesting, I warned a while ago. Thanks anyway for reading. Take care.

Day 100

Day 100. Unless I counted wrong, which is perfectly within the realm of my capabilities. I'll just say day 100, and leave it at that. Yay me.

This morning I found myself missing what Elam might have been. I wasn't sure if this made sense. How can I miss a baby that I haven't met? Well, I don't really know, but I do. I loved that baby already, and now I miss him (or her). I know it was only just under 3 months of expecting, but I got pretty excited about the future in those 3 months. I looked forward to October, when I would be able to touch Elam's impossibly soft skin, and kiss and hug him a million times a day.


On a different topic, I've been thinking more and more about putting my photography services out there, if even just in a small way. I guess this would be a start, ha ha. It's my own safe way of saying, if you'd like some photos done, send me a message. The cost would be pretty low, as I'm just new again to the scene. It would be all natural light stuff, and hopefully a very relaxed session. I'll even travel a bit, for some gas money and a small fee. Look at me, lamely trying to do unofficial business with people. Ha ha. Fun stuff. I'll hash out the details as I go for now. It's how I roll.

If you like strobist stuff, with unique lighting, I know a photographer who loves using artificial lighting for his photography, and I think he's also recently decided to market himself more often these days. I won't say his name now, as I haven't asked his permission, but if he wants, he can post a link, or comment and I will post a link to his website. He's a great guy, and loves what he does. I hope he knows I'm talking about him, ha ha. Should be obvious, as I don't know many photographers personally. Then again, I shouldn't assume that it's obvious.

I almost just deleted my self marketing paragraph. NO! I WILL NOT DO IT! I'm good enough to take pictures of your beautiful faces! :)

Thanks so much for stopping by. Take care.

Day 99

Okay, so I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I had a moment of weakness. Sorry about that.

Day 98

Today I went with Jenn to see the doctor. Everything seems to be pretty "normal", considering the circumstance. The doctor was very reassuring, and encouraging. She even gave Jenn a hug on the way out of the room, which was nice.

Tomorrow Jenn goes back to work. It has been a struggle for her to think about going back to normal life. I will do my absolute best to support her and encourage her, but as a friend of ours said, life just isn't normal anymore. Maybe for me that's part of the problem...I keep on expecting normal to happen, and I ignore the face that life hasn't been "normal" for me for a long long time.

That's just the thing, since my marriage, the news of a baby was the best and most normal thing that has happened in my life. Now, I can only cling to hope that another will eventually come. I can only hope that our life will have some sort of normalcy in it. I am tired of challenge after challenge. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. So what?

Day 97

Lately (with the exception of this past week) I've been thinking a lot about self talk. This is how we talk to ourselves in our head or even out loud. I'll be honest with you, somewhere down the line I have developed terrible self talk. My first reaction is to be very hard and negative with myself. Statements like "You're an idiot, why do you always.....?", or "You should have things figured out by now, Jason", or, "You don't deserve...." are often floating around my head.

Confessing this to my counselor, he has given me homework that I'm pretty hesitant to do. I'm supposed to look at myself in the mirror, and talk to myself, acknowledging my value. Have you ever seen that SNL skit where that guy (think his name is Stuart) looks in the mirror and says, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me". Basically like that, but I hope to make it a bit less cheesy of an experience. In all seriousness, though, positive self talk is important, and I want to make it a goal of mine to be a positive self talker as a first reaction instead of a heavily negative self talker. So by practicing positive self talk, with time it should get easier, and eventually the default. I suppose we'll see how it works in time.

Anyway, how's your self talk? Do you beat yourself up over insignificant things? Do you talk yourself out of being successful at the things you do? Do you convince yourself that you're not good enough to be loved? All lies. All things I do, but all lies. How's your self talk?

Day 96

Over the past several days some of our friends and family have went out of their way to take care of us. I can't begin to express my gratitude toward them. I love you all.

Day 95

It might seem silly to others, but tomorrow we're having a mini service for our little one. It'll consist of prayer and sharing some thoughts. I think we're having it by the river. I wonder if others have services for for their miscarried babies...not like it matters.

I don't need to hear that miscarriages are common. I know they are. It doesn't matter to me. Each and person/couple who experiences a miscarriage goes through pain. The commonness doesn't make it easier. Also, the fact that Jenn is young and has lots of time to try again doesn't make us feel better about what's happening now. This all being said, some people don't know what else to say, and honestly think words like these are assuring, or comforting. I don't bother getting insulted or angry. I know most people mean well.

Today we visited some friends of ours who had a beautiful baby girl on the day we found out our baby didn't make it. We are so happy for them. Their baby is absolutely amazing. It hasn't been the easiest being around all the babies that are cropping up these days, but I'm of the belief that if we don't celebrate with our friends now, bitterness might grab hold, and grow in our hearts. Besides, I can live vicariously through our friends for now, in a non creepy way. I think holding babies, smelling their baby smell, watching them sleep, and make their funny baby faces, can be healing, uplifting, soothing, comforting.

I'm really sad that ours had to go away. I'm really looking forward to meeting baby Elam one day in heaven.

Day 94

Another short one today..sorry. Sort of scatter brained. Take care.

Day 93

Sorry for the lack of information the last couple of days. It's been a difficult week for Jenn and me, to say the least.

To make it brief, we found out on Monday that our little one didn't make it. We were/are devastated, but hold on to the hope that one day in the not so far future, we will be able to hold a and cherish and parent a beautiful baby. That being said, we will never forget the time we had growing attached to the idea of this little baby. Even though it was only 9 weeks old when it went to the other side, we loved it already, and won't forget our experience.

It's awful, what a woman has to experience in a miscarriage. Knowing that something is still in your womb, just waiting, knowing what will happen, but dreading the experience. I love my wife dearly, and wish somehow this part would be made as easy as possible. If you're a praying person, say a prayer for her tomorrow (Thursday morning), as I will be taking her to the hospital to see the doctor.

I'm so sad, my heart hurts, and I will never underestimate the pain others feel when they go through this. Yes, it is very common, but that doesn't make it easier, not by a long shot. Pregnancy consumes an expectant mother. It is constantly on a future father's mind. We fantasize about what the baby will look like, what funny things he or she will say and do, cuddling the baby, comforting the baby, loving the baby, and a million other things. There is an emotional attachment that happens instantly. The morning after we knew Jenn was expecting, she glowingly whispered to me, "I told the baby I loved it". We were in love instantly, and now, for a moment, that love and joy has been violated by death. That being said, we have to trust that we will fall in love again.

Day 92

Another long day, and I'm still not ready to share what has been going on. Soon enough, I promise.

Day 91

I'll talk about today later. I don't have it in me right now. Sorry.

Day 90

I think I've mentioned this before, but Jenn and I have recently started a cash only budget system. So far it's been a challenge, but for the most part we've been sticking to it.

I've never had control of money, in my life. It has always controlled my life. I know it won't be an easy process, but it has already felt freeing. It will also help us for when baby comes along in October. I heard those little gaffers cost some money from time to time.

Anyway, I won't go on and on about that. Tomorrow is Jenn's first one-on-one midwife appointment. I'm pretty excited about that. I hope hope hope we finally get to hear the heartbeat. That will be very cool.

That's about it for tonight. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 89

Jenn and I had a visit tonight with some friends we haven't seen in a while. It was great. Thanks you guys, if you read this.

I was wondering this afternoon why I do this blog. Much of the time it's pretty useless. I'll keep on doing it, but I think I need to put a bit more effort into it. Hopefully you can expect a bit more substance over the next while. Maybe not every single day, but in general.

I've slowly been posting pictures on my flickr account, if you'd like to check them out.

That's about it today. It's late, and I have to be up early in the morning. Till tomorrow. Take care.

Day 88

Today was a fairly normal day, as normal as they are for me these days.

Nothing special to report, sorry. I baked buns and bread. Woo hoo.

One of these days soon I'll write something worth while.

Take care.

Day 87

For some reason I'm super tired tonight. It's just after 9pm, and I think I'm heading to bed with Jenn...like a couple of seniors.


I don't have anything for you tonight. Sorry!

Take care.

Day 86

The woman I love, again. I accidentally had the wrong setting on my camera, so her cheeks are a little red, but it's cute.

This photo was taken in Toronto, in the distillery district. I loved it there. You basically just had to point your camera in any direction and you'd get a good shot. That doesn't say much for my skill level. I may be exaggerating a bit. Seriously, though, it was a great place for photos.

I suppose I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading. Take care.

Day 84 - 360 Restaurant

I love this woman. We went up to the 360 rotating restaurant in the CN Tower one night for dinner. The food was pretty good, but probably too expensive for what it was. Anyway, a good experience. The sun started setting shortly after we arrived. It was a nice view.

Today I went to the doctor and saw a counselor. It was a bit overwhelming to do both, but overall it was a good thing I think. I'll spare you from the details. I hope it is all the start of positive change.

That's about it for today. Thanks again for reading. Take care.

Day 83

It was a good Sunday, for the most part.

Tomorrow, back to "normal" life. We'll see how that goes.

That's about it for now.

Till tomorrow. Take care.

Day 82

Again, it's late and I'm not going to write much (sorry to the person who said today that I should write more...I'm being lazy again:))

I've started posting photos to my flickr account, jasonchadney. I don't know if I can't actually post a link, but it's not hard to find.

I need to get to bed. I have a bad habit of staying up too late. I also have to get up at 6:30 in the morning. Take care.

Day 81

We're back in Saskatoon. The flight was uneventful, and smooth. It was clear outside, so I could see the towns and cities along the way, which was really neat.

I don't have much to say tonight. That, and my index finger on my right hand has a crack on the tip from dryness, so it hurts to type. I'll write more later, and post more photos from my trip.

Thanks for reading. Take care.