Day 220

Another increment of 10 completed! I love that feeling. I've done it 22 times so far. Yay me.

I think I've mentioned in a previous post how I look forward to autumn, for a few reasons. I don't know if I said this, but I'm also expecting more out of myself this year (I'm referring to school years,  as I'm in school still). I took this last winter semester (January - April) off, thinking it would be an exciting time. I wanted to work, Jenn and I were going to start trying for a family, and I planned on enjoying not being in school for a little while. Well, if you've been following this blog for a while, you will well know that my semester didn't turn out like I was hoping/planning. In fact, parts of it turned out the opposite. For example, we tried for a baby, and our baby died. I wanted to enjoy the semester off, and I fell into a depression, and spent a lot of time crying or feeling a pretty deep sadness. Anyway, I'm not feeling sorry for myself anymore...just recapping and explaining so I can talk about something else.

One of the things I haven't really talked about in this blog is work. Many of you may know this already, but to make a long story short, before I started looking for work for my time off of school, my depression started creeping up on me. Along with that, my self confidence and self worth plummeted. To my surprise (sort of), when I started looking for work, I would feel anxious, panicky, afraid. I started thinking that no one would hire me, or that I wasn't good enough. So, because of that, I was paralyzed in a way. Paralyzed to my apartment, or to my couch some days. Sigh. Anyway, I haven't worked for a long time. It's not something I'm proud of or wanted to happen. I've always worked or went to school. I haven't done nothing like that. I mean, these days I've been trying to keep myself busier with photography and errands and stuff, but it wasn't good enough for me. It was one of those things where something leads to another thing and then that thing gets perpetuated, etc etc. Not an excuse, really...but it happened. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that after the long road, I was finally able to find a job. It'll be part time while I'm going to school. I'm happy I have it, even though I've been experiencing a little anxiety about it. That's okay, though. That will pass, because not having a job has been a small time in my life compared to the grand scheme of things. This is the start of expecting more from myself, as I mentioned above. I'm excited that things are changing. I'm thanking God for giving me strength to get through my low season.

So, I understand if you're having mixed feelings about what I just told you. It's hard to explain why I went through what I went through. I'm sure there are all sorts of explanations. I'm not looking for them anymore, really. It's done. It was one of the biggest embarrassments in my life for these last months, and one of the things that I needed to overcome to get this stupid monkey off my back, so to speak.

Thanks for reading, and supporting me, and crying and laughing with me. Okay, I'll stop being cheesy. Take care, all. Love you!